Health, Fitness & Personal Growth Tips for Women in Midlife: Asking for a Friend

Ep.167 Unlocking Your "Prime Time Glow Up" with Dr. Ellen Albertson, The Midlife Whisperer

• Michele Henning Folan • Episode 167

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Is midlife really a crisis, or is it the launchpad to your most vibrant chapter yet? In this empowering episode, Dr. Ellen Albertson, The Midlife Whisperer, brings her infectious energy and groundbreaking wisdom to debunk myths about aging, body image, and what it means to thrive after 50.

At 62, Dr. Albertson radiates confidence that challenges society's obsession with youth. Her secret? Self-compassion. Through transformative research with Dr. Kristin Neff, she discovered that women who practice self-compassion experience less body shame and greater appreciation for themselves—without changing a single thing physically.

We dive into why the outdated "eat less, exercise more" approach fails midlife women and explore how working with, rather than against, your changing hormones can lead to sustainable, joyful health. Dr. Albertson shares her "big four" factors: wholesome nutrition, stress management, quality sleep, and joyful movement that strengthens both body and mind.

But that's not all! This conversation takes a candid turn as Dr. Albertson talks about beauty, silver hair transitions, and intimacy in midlife. Far from diminishing, these aspects of life can deepen as we shed the societal pressures to perform and embrace our authentic selves. As Dr. Albertson puts it, "We know ourselves and we're done with the BS."

If you're ready to transform your relationship with aging, shed the shame, and step into your prime time glow up, this episode is a must-listen.

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Are you ready to reclaim your midlife body and health? I went through my own personal journey through menopause, the struggle with midsection weight gain, and feeling run-down. Faster Way, a transformative six-week group program, set me on the path to sustainable change.
https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/?aid=MicheleFolan

Have questions about Faster Way? Please email me at:
mfolanfasterway@gmail.com

Sign up for Michele's weekly newsletter for more health and fitness tips and insights. https://michelefolanfasterway.myflodesk.com/i6i44jw4fq

RIMAN skincare finally gave me real, visible results—restoring my glow, firmness, and confidence in my skin at 61. RIMAN Korea's #1 Skincare Line - https://michelefolan.riman.com

*Transcripts are done with AI and may not be perfectly accurate.

**This podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine, nursing, or other professional healthcare services, including the giving of medical advice. The content of this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.

Michele Folan:

Be honest, did summer throw you off track? You had good intentions at the start, and then came the rosé, the road trips and the screw it. I'll start in September mindset. But here's the thing your midlife body doesn't bounce back like it used to, and that's not your fault. It just means your strategy needs an upgrade. That's where I come in. I coach women through the faster way A six-week reset that ditches diet culture and actually works with your hormones. We focus on fat loss, lean muscle, balanced meals and, yes, you get to still eat carbs. If you're ready to feel more like you again, before the first tailgate or pumpkin spice latte, check the link in the show notes or you can just shoot me a message on Instagram. Let's do this together Health, wellness, fitness and everything in between. We're removing the taboo from what really matters in midlife. I'm your host, Michele Folan, and this is Asking for a Friend. What if midlife wasn't a crisis but a launchpad? My guest today is here to flip the script on everything we've been taught about aging, beauty and what it means to feel confident in our skin.

Michele Folan:

Dr Ellen Albertson, also known as the Midlife Whisperer, is a psychologist, registered dietitian, board-certified health and wellness coach and a mindful self-compassion teacher who's been helping women transform their health and mindset for over 30 years. She's written five books, including the best-selling Rock your Midlife, serves on the medical board of the National Menopause Foundation and has been featured everywhere from Forbes to Prevention. But more than anything, she's a voice of radical truth and possibility for women, 50 and beyond. In this episode, we're going to get into why your midlife body isn't broken, how self-compassion can be your ultimate superpower broken, how self-compassion can be your ultimate superpower, why eating less doesn't work anymore and what really does, and how to turn this chapter into the most empowered, intimate and vibrant one. Yet she's 62, glowing and not apologizing for any of it, and neither should you. Dr Ellen Albertson, welcome to Asking for a Friend.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Thanks, Michele, it is awesome to be here Well.

Michele Folan:

I love your energy. Already We've talked just briefly here, but I knew this was going to be a fantastic topic. We probably don't talk about mindset quite enough on the podcast and this is a great time to have this conversation. I want to talk a little bit about you first, and kind of your genesis here. So you've worn a lot of hats, ellen. You are psychologist, dietitian, health coach, even a celebrity chef, which I was like. What? What brought you to this point and why are you so focused on helping women rock midlife?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Well, I love this time of life and I want to like shout from the rooftops like midlife is the best time of life, it is your prime time, glow up. And it's interesting midlife women have always come to me. I'm kind of like a one-stop shop for all your midlife needs and the reason I have more degrees than a thermometer is I just keep wanting more and more tools. I mean, I love to learn, I love helping midlife women because, let's face it, it is a really challenging time of life, both what's going on physiologically as well as what's going on in our lives, between empty nest and aging parents and all of the things.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

So you know, when I started my career as an outpatient dietitian way back in 1993, of course I was in my thirts right and all the women coming to me were midlife women. Because if you have not been taking care of your body as you go through the changes, the transition through menopause, your body starts talking to you. So you know they were gaining weight, cholesterol was high, blood pressure's high, blood sugar's high. So these women kept coming to me. And then when I became a personal fitness trainer in my 40s, same thing Like what is going on with my body. This is before we were talking about menopause. And then, you know, I'm in it myself, so I just love this time of life. It kind of found me, and so I am just so dedicated to helping midlife women rock their midlife.

Michele Folan:

You've said at 62, you feel more confident and beautiful than ever. Was this a turning point in your own life that helped you fully own that truth?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Well, the biggest turning point was learning self-compassion, because when you learn to treat yourself the way you would a good friend, you stop, you know, judging yourself or you catch those thoughts. You are kind to yourself, you treat yourself basically like you would treat your bestie, and so that changes everything, because you stop doing those things that insult your soul and you start to attract what is truly in your best interest, and it changes that inner dialogue right. So you look in the mirror and you can't say, oh my God, my arms are floppy, what's going on with my waistline? It's like you just would never say that to a friend, like when we say, walked up a friend and say, you know, that's out of line today. I mean, of course, if they weren't, if something was out of line with their dress, we would say that the other thing that is so magical about self-compassion is that you stop caring what other people think about you and and you care about yourself, and so that really brings out the authenticity. So confidence the root of the word confidence is to confine. You start to trust yourself because you're not doing everything I know for myself.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I was always like on this treadmill, like first it was like pleasing the parents. When you're a kid, you want to. I was that good girl, right? That perfectionist with a fear of self-critic, really wanting to like. I want my parents to love me. So I really wanting to like my, want my parents to love me, so I'll be perfect, right, get in the right schools, get the right job, do all of those things, do what society said is going to make you feel okay.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

And it's kind of like I was climbing up this ladder of success but the ladder was up against the wrong building. And I think that's a lot of us at midlife, right. We've been climbing, clawing up this ladder of success and we get to the top and we look around and like, wait a minute, I am not happy, I don't feel good, I don't like my life, and so for me, that was that turning point of learning self-compassion and giving myself permission to really know and love myself, take care of myself and stop really getting off that treadmill of trying to make everybody else happy. I thought, well, if I make everybody else happy, then I'll be happy.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

They never got happy. We're each in charge of our own happiness. So I think the turning point for me was really self-compassion that led to me leaving a 25-year marriage. It really helped me through a lot of the crises that we have, everything from menopause and emptiness. Also, I'm a breast cancer survivor. I went blind three times. I had a retinal detachment, so it's like self-compassion has seen me through everything. So it really is a superpower.

Michele Folan:

Like you, yeah, you have to embrace it as a superpower almost to be able to navigate this time of life. You brought up something about after 25 years. We're like, okay, what's going on? Like your marriage, what is it about women in their 50s and 60s? I mean, they're dealing with loss, sometimes loss of roles, right, Emptiness, whatever. Their bodies are changing. Sometimes they're stuck in this rut where they're not even sure of their own identity. How do we start rebuilding a new version of ourselves without the old baggage?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Well, first of all, we have to allow things to be there before we can get to acceptance. It's sort of this allow what is like, this is where I'm finding myself right now, then this I have acceptance which we can change, and then there's embracing of where we are. I tell people, you know, you put the bags down, unpack them, change that story. So I could look at you know my marriage and it was such a mess and he was awful and blah, blah, blah. Or I could say you know what, when I was in my thirties and forties, you know, this is what I needed. Then I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned a lot about media. We were literally the cooking couple in the 90s. We were celebrity chefs. It's helped me with my whole platform and career in media. So there was a lot of really good things. We have two beautiful children. So you can unpack the bags and say, okay, who was?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I rewrite that narrative because everything that's happened to has brought you to this moment, and this moment is all that you have. So you come to the present moment and then you start thinking about, okay, this future self, like who do I want to be? And age is totally not doesn't need to be part of the equation. I like to say I'm a perennial. I've got gorgeous gardens here, we've got our lilacs, we've got our lilies we just had an amazing tul, you know. So be a perennial and think about okay, who am I becoming? Start to visualize who is that woman and then bring a piece of who you want to be into your present reality. Okay, so, how does she walk? How does she dress?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I just did a big photo shoot, which was super fun because I've changed my style. See a stylist. Think about how do I want to present myself? And the cool thing is that when you do that, you give every single midlife woman permission to do the same, and we help our daughters right, we help our kids to see like no, this isn't the end. This is like the prime time act where I think, when you're going through menopause, the brain literally changes, our wiring changes and we get selfish, and so you can start to say, okay, what do I want in my life? And we're living longer. If you take care of your body, you know you've got another 20, 30, 40 years. I'm hoping to make it to 100 plus, and so you've got this incredible juicy chapter. So think about okay, what's this next version of myself, and how do I start bringing her into my now?

Michele Folan:

I love midlife pivots. It gets me so excited. This is what's so fun about doing this podcast is I get to meet women like you that are really doing these incredible things in our 60s. Think about our mothers when they were 60. Think about our mothers when they were 60, and we thought that was so old, right, we all have that experience somewhere back in our memories, right, of what 60 was supposed to look like. And I think we've looked at midlife sometimes as this downhill slide. But from what you're saying, it's really just the beginning. So how do we unlearn all that? We've thought to really thrive in this chapter?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Yeah, well, the first thing, you know, practicing that self-compassion is really important. And noticing your thoughts, noticing when I have this thought oh, I look so old, I feel so tired and do you want to believe that thought? We have, you know, something like 40 to 60,000 thoughts every single day, and some of them are neutral, some of them are positive, some of them are negative. And so when you have the negative thought, it's not like you can't push the negative thought down, but you're like huh, question that thought, get curious, like why am I having that thought? And a lot of it, frankly, is the media. You know, if women felt beautiful and attractive, we wouldn't buy all the stuff. The media wants us to feel bad about ourselves so that we buy all the things and it's disempowering for women, right? When we don't love ourselves, when we're feeling bad, when we feel like our best years are behind us, it takes our power away. And we need to take our power back and say wait a minute, I have this space and time. Maybe you know I'm empty nest now, or maybe I'm. You know I'm looking at retirement, where I'm going to have this time on my hands. Maybe I've let my body go a little bit. I need to focus on that. And so what are the things that I me want?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

And we need to also get rid of this idea about being selfish. Be selfish yes, absolutely A hundred percent you. And self-care isn't really selfish. It's really about feeling your best, Because when you feel your best, then you can take care of the people. I'm taking care of 93, 95-year-old parents and I've got 24 and 28-year-old kids and I've got a partner in my life and other people and the 86-year-old wonderful lady who lives across the street that I help with. But you've got to take care of yourself first. So you need to get rid of that kind of dialogue around. This is selfish and I work with that with my clients all the time.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I had one client she loves to eat, right, she loves to work out, but she wasn't doing it because every time she did the self-care piece she felt guilty. So we had to do this sort of internal family systems work and really kind of understanding. She was like, oh my God, that's what's keeping me going from the gym. We feel so guilty when we go to the gym, when we take time to prep meals, that we don't do those things because that guilt's kind of trying to protect us, but it's not beneficial. At this point in our lives, so many times we feel guilt. It's not beneficial.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Guilt's great if you've done something wrong, a behavior that you want to change. So let's say, you yell at your kids, yell at your parents, yell at your dog, right, and you're like, oh my God, that's not me, I don't want to do that, it's against my core values. So you change your behavior. But being nice to yourself, taking care of your body, is a good behavior that you want to do more of. And so you have to really question these feelings that come up when you start taking care of yourself. Because, again, we've been conditioned that everybody else comes first and then there's no energy for us. And then again this piece of this dialogue of I feel so old, it's too late, I'm washed up. That is just total BS. And also, I would recommend follow cool people, right, I've started following you and I love the vacuuming and I follow you yeah the vacuuming with the face mask, right With the, I guess it right, it's great, and don't take yourself too seriously too.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I think we need to lighten up and I think you know, for me, the breast cancer diagnosis was like such a wake up call of like you're running out of time and I think that's the bigger question, like when I'm 80 and it really is too late to do those things. What do I want my 80-year-old self to say? Thank God you did that thing. Thank God you took care of your body. Thank God you wrote that book, started that podcast, did that side hustle, took that pottery class right. So you look back and you're like okay, I made the best use of the limited amount of precious time that I have.

Michele Folan:

Okay, a couple things. I'm like I've got all these things. I want to say time that I have. Okay, a couple things. I'm like I've got all these things. I want to say so you don't have to start a podcast or write a book, but take the pottery class. Or have you loved to paint? Go take a painting class. Go do something for you. Because let me just tell you something, nothing fries my ass more than having a discussion with a client and we start talking about the meals. Here's your meal plan. This is proven to work. And I'm like, oh, my husband will never eat this. And I'm like, who cares what your husband will or won't eat? This is not about him, this is about you. This is your time. You are doing this for you. He can go make his own damn food, if that's you know. But I get really upset when I hear women not prioritizing themselves because they're worried about somebody else.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

And yeah, speed dial dominoes here, dear. Here's the number for dominoes, right, yeah, I mean that was. You know that is the spouse thing is hard to do, that piece. I'm blessed that I have a man who grows a mini farm in the back. He is a gardenaholic. That's nice. Put in 32 blueberry bushes and the garden is we have more produce than we can use. But you have to take care of yourself and you know men are men, need to like. If you don't like it, then too bad. But you know he might come on board too over time because the guys are having issues too right. They're like. You know the penis is the canary in the coal mine. Oh God, his cholesterol is high.

Michele Folan:

It ain't working. Let me tell you how many of my clients' husbands have lost weight actually more than their wives by just paying attention to what they eat. And that's the other thing too. You know what. The guys need to have a little self-assessment too, because they're maybe not in midlife crisis, but they are definitely in a midlife place that they can't continue doing what they did before either. So I think there's. You know, we talk about women all the time in this podcast, but I can give you plenty of examples of men who probably have some opportunity to make some changes too.

Michele Folan:

So, Ellen, we're going to take a quick break and when we come back, I want to talk about body image, beauty and intimacy. I know how you might be feeling about your skin right now. It is changing. It may be duller, or you're seeing lines where there didn't used to be, or you're just tired of spending a fortune on products that don't deliver. Well, that was me until I found RIMAN.

Michele Folan:

It's South Korea's number one skincare line. It's clean, effective and, honestly, it's affordable. No fluff, no 12-step routine, just results. My skin is brighter, smoother and, for the first time in years, I'm actually getting real compliments. Want to see what I use, check the show notes or DM me on Instagram. I'll send you my full routine, because good skin shouldn't be a mystery or a luxury. All right, we are back. Before we went on the break, I mentioned that I wanted to talk about body image and beauty and then how it kind of dovetail into intimacy. Before we started recording Ellen, I mentioned hey, you let your hair go gray, and you kind of corrected me about that. I was like, oh, you know, it's not about letting our hair go gray, it's a decision to go gray. Can you talk a little bit about that and that process for you?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Sure, and first of all, I totally embrace wherever you're at. If that's not for you, it's okay, but for me, gosh, I did it twice. So I moved to Vermont, which I moved from like the Boston area to Vermont. It was, you know, vermont's a kind of crunchy place, so it's easy to just not do it. And I've got curly hair and integrated.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

And then my ex-husband and I were working on a platform which everything went, everything went south about 12 years ago, and he was like you need to, you need to be, you look like your 40 year old self. And I was like this does not feel right. My first sort of going out there with this, this brand called Smasher Scale. It all imploded so I colored it again and I was like, oh, this is it for me. It just never felt like me, like I'm a natural girl, I don't wear a lot of makeup, it's like Burt's Bees lip gloss and maybe a little eyebrow gel. Skincare just didn't feel like me, and so the grow out wasn't terrible.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I mean, I know that a lot of women really struggle with it and I think the struggle is, yeah, if you have that demarcation like you get that, you know white coming in and there. You know, if you're you're trying to grow out. I recommend follow silver sisters on Instagram. There are tons of women and tons of support out there. It was a whole movement that actually started during COVID. Like so many women couldn't go to the hairdresser, so for me, I absolutely love my silver hair, like I don't have to worry about it. I, whenever I colored it, it was oh, and I started coloring really early. I had a kind of a streak, so color the rest and leave the streak and you know, within a week or two, you always had that kind of line happening and a lot of consciousness about it. And you know, I mean I know women in their nineties who still color it. I'm like honey, who are you pulling here?

Michele Folan:

It's like oh God, it'll probably be me.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

But it's okay If it makes you feel more confident. For me, I I didn't like the flatness and the way that my hair looked and I love, love, love my silvers. And the other issue, frankly, is toxicity. My beloved hairdresser of 15 years just came down with lung cancer. Hairdressers have a much higher rate of certain cancers.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

You're putting toxic stuff on your head, it's your skin, it's penetrating, you can feel it when you put it on and there's a wonderful movie out there If you want to check it out. It's called your Roots Are Showing and it talks all about that. And there's a woman there who went into like anaphylactic shock from the hair dye. So it can be really toxic. So for me, I you know, embrace who you are, but if you're curious and you're tired of and I think the biggest issue is that you know we again, we've been taught that we need to look like our 25, 30-year-old self and so we're on this treadmill like I got to keep the body skinny and I've got to keep the skin without any wrinkles and I have to, you know, keep my hair looking a certain way. We're trying to look like our 24, 25-year-old self and that's part of that.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Looking in the mirror and a lot of the work I do is helping women remirror themselves. So you're like who and what you see in the mirror and embracing who you are. Now I am always kind of on women's cases when it's like you're using your 25 year old headshot you know, girl, it's time to get a new headshot and just work with a stylist. The girl it's not fun, but I think it's that you know, looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, okay, I'm 40, I'm 50. But there's a lot of women also going gray in their 30s, you know early on, who just get really tired of the expense, the toxicity, and then, honestly, 99 times out of 100, women are like why didn't I do this earlier? I absolutely freaking love this.

Michele Folan:

I know I'm sitting here going. I know you know it's funny, though, because during COVID I was at the salon. It was the first visit. You know, during COVID I was at the salon. It was the first visit during COVID, and I said, all right, what's the look in the back? Tell me how gray am I? Because I had no idea. And she said, oh, probably 75, 80%, and now it's more.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I think I'm like 90% gray, but then that's a dialogue right. So, why is it? And I don't even say gray gray sounds so, oh, gray Silver.

Michele Folan:

Silver, okay Silver.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

But silver hair. It's so cool. It's actually translucent, it's clear, and so my hair does different things in the sunlight and you get these really cool highlights. If you're listening, you can check me out on the Midlife Whisperer on Instagram and see you know, and check out Silver Sisters, because it really is so incredibly what nature does and the kind of highlights that you get, and think about all the time and money you're going to save as well. So the grow out's no fun, but I think it's, it's cool and it's worth it.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, I mean your hair looks fantastic. I mean you have a really gorgeous head of hair and I have done one show on going gray. It was my best friend, Anne, and it was great to hear her process and how her journey went with that. But you've said that beauty isn't behind you, it's becoming you, and that's a very radical shift from what most of us grew up believing. How do we start to reframe beauty in midlife?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Well, beauty is coming from within, right? So for me and I just had those headshots taken I was looking at it, going like what I was telling my photographer, asking her did you Photoshop me Like what? Because I'm so damn happy. Yeah, I'm so happy and I'm so healthy and my glow comes from waking up every morning and being happy to be alive. I have a great partner, I get to live I live in this beautiful farm in Vermont and then I go to Costa Rica in the winter and my life is exactly the way I want it to be. So there is this happiness and also this desire to radiate beauty, to show other women at midlife that it's your it to be. So there's this happiness and also this desire to radiate beauty, to show other women at midlife that it's your time to shine, it's your midlife glow up.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

And again, the self-compassion piece is really important, because when you practice self-compassion, you look at yourself in the mirror, you can look at yourself and if you're listening and I have my clients do this Look yourself in the eye, you know, and tell yourself you're beautiful, I love you, I care about you, I want you to be happy. So it comes from that confidence piece which is knowing yourself, and we talked about that self-compassion piece which allows you to be your authentic self and embrace yourself warts and flaws and all it's about that self-care piece. You know we're both looking good because we take really great, I take fantastic care of my body. I absolutely love my body. I hear this all the time from women like my body is betraying me. Your body is not betraying you. Your silvers are a symbol of how wise you are. I mean that's kind of like when you're wiser, that sort of crown chakra glowing up. Your wrinkles are like okay, I've lived life, so we need to change again this dialogue and say that I'm a perennial. The age doesn't matter. But it's about confidence, it's about character. That's why, again, I love this photo shoot, because it was like okay, I don't look like anybody else. I love wearing fun glasses and bright colors and dancing and being joyful.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Find what works for you and I think that comes from you know, work with a stylist. You know, invest a little bit of money. It doesn't have to be crazy. Get a new wardrobe, get clothing that makes you feel beautiful. But it comes from within and every woman is beautiful. I mean, we are all here to shine, to glow, to spread light and love, and when you love yourself it automatically radiates. So it's kind of this inside out job. But I've never felt more attractive and, honestly, the self-compassion piece is huge, what my research showed.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

So I did this research study for my dissertation. I did with Kristen Neff, who is the pioneer in this area of self-compassion, and we sent women meditations, self-compassion meditations. Half of them got it, half of them didn't. What my research showed is the women who listened to the self-compassion podcast. Not only did self-compassion go up, so self-compassion is like a muscle Wherever you are at, you can be nicer to yourself. But body shame went down, body dissatisfaction went down, self-worth based on appearance went down and body appreciation went up. So nothing to do with changing the body, simply changing the way that you treat yourself. The dialogue when you look in the mirror and you go, hey, girl, you're looking pretty good today, right? Or just hello, I love you, you know, I care about you. That changes the way you see yourself. It's truly magical.

Michele Folan:

You know one thing we have to remember too our bodies have done some amazing things. I mean childbirth in itself, right. Our ability to heal, you've survived cancer, right. Our bodies do great things. But how do we reconcile accepting our changing bodies while we still want to improve how we look right? Because that seems like a never ending goal line that keeps moving.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Yeah, well, I think that the first piece of just allowing, just allowing my body to be where it is, I think that gratitude piece can be really, really helpful of like, hey, body, I am grateful, you know, for the yes, the two kids that you helped create. I am grateful you know that, that, yes, the two kids that you helped create. I am grateful you know that I can walk. I mean, I actually had a friend over yesterday. She's a paraplegic and I'm so I adore her and she's doing amazing things. But it's like I'm so grateful that I can bike and I can hike and I can do all of these things. So that gratitude piece. And then then we get to that acceptance piece. Okay, I'm accepting that I'm in this 40, 50, 60 year old body, um, and then like saying, okay, so what does this body need to look and feel good? Like I started to go to the physical therapist because I want to, I want to lift heavier and even though I was a personal fitness trainer, I know what I'm doing. I'm like you know what? I need a little bit of support here. Um, I'm always upping my diet even more. I mean, I probably eat 15, 20 servings of fruits and veggies a day, but like, how do I love and care for myself? So changing that conversation, that it doesn't just become about I want to look better and like, can we stop talking about the weight loss piece, please? Like, I've been a dietitian for 30 years and watching your weight is like, you know, watching paint dry. It's not very interesting.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Focus on the things that you are in charge of. Which is the big four for me, and I'm sure you feel the same way. It's your diet. It's not crazy. It's whole food, plant-based diet, getting enough protein, eating less processed foods. It's your stress. Stress plays a huge role, particularly in midlife. Cortisol, which is the stress hormone, and estrogen. Both come from the same precursor, pregnenolone. So if your stress is way up, there's less estrogen, which estrogen really plays a role in bone health, skin health, brain, everything. Sleep is so important. That's one that I am constantly working on. We're just really understanding the importance of sleep. And then, of course, there is movement, finding enjoyable movement. So focus on those things.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Don't focus on the scale, because what I find with my clients is that. And we don't focus on the scale, cause what I find with my clients is that, and we don't focus on scale. We start with the self-compassion beast. Doing cause, you love yourself, but when you focus on the scale and you're doing all of these things to get that number to go down and the number doesn't go down even though you're eating the restrictive diet you know you're killing yourself at the gym, all of the things then you just get angry at yourself and you just stop and you go and have a threesome with Ben and Jerry's. You know nothing wrong with ice cream. I'm from Vermont. I love ice cream, but it's sort of all or nothing and it's like it's like all and something like can we please take care of yourself in this place of self love, because you want to be there for your kids, your grandkids yourself, you want to enjoy your life, so it's healthy and strong.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

We've got to get away from the skinny BS. Right that? We've been told the same. I get crazy on Instagram now I see menopause is now so hot, so I get all the time this like BS solutions. Lose the weight fast, you know. Lose 20 pounds in two months.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

No, forget about the scale. It's a great, it's a good metric, you know it's there. But like, focus on what you have. Control, because I I I've been again to do this for 30 years and I've seen women really eat Well I guess we call it clean right and move their bodies and do all the things and the scale still doesn't budge. It takes a while and a lot of time. The fat is sometimes there to protect you. It's sort of a if you're feeling not safe in your body, um, if you have a lot of stress and the hormonal piece is really huge. So it's not just calories in calories out the way.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

We've been told we overestimate exercise. Exercise is not a weight loss method. Right, exercise is like Prozac. It's great for your body, your brain, but it's something you do, hopefully, because you enjoy it and to take care of yourself and eating right. Again, this piece of self-care and your body will get to where it's supposed to be in terms of your weight and if that's a size 12, great. But focus on your health. Look at other metrics, you know. Look at your waist reference. Look at your blood pressure, your blood sugar, your cholesterol. All of those things. Focus on your health. Focus on getting strong. I mean, my mom is 93 and it's, you know, it's hard. She's lost her muscle mass. Yeah, I don't want to be like that when I'm 93. That's why I'm trying to put on 10 pounds of muscle mass over the next couple of years, so I don't get frail.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, if any of my clients are listening to Ellen right now, see, it's not just me, I am. I mean, you and I are 100% aligned on this. I actually ask my clients not to weigh themselves. At the beginning I'm like, let's, let's, for the first six weeks, let's not weigh ourselves, let's let our bodies, because it's really about body recomposition. We're shifting from fat to muscle. The scale's not going to reflect that necessarily and we also have back to the self-compassion piece. And we also have back to the self-compassion piece. It took us a long time to get to where we are right now in terms of our weight, if you expect huge changes at six or eight weeks.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Hello, that's you know. That's that you're not giving yourself any grace on that one. Yeah, adding to that that I've been posting a lot about this on Instagram, about eat less, exercise more doesn't work at midlife and actually backfires, because that again we go back to that cortisol piece. When you are eating less than your body actually needs, your body goes into fight and flight because it thinks it's trying to. Your body just wants to keep you alive. That's the only thing it cares about. So when you eat that 1,200, 1,600-calorie diet, your body goes into fight and flight and it wants to hold on to everything. It ratchets metabolism down, appetite goes up and you're starving and thinking about food all the time and then you have a binge and then you beat yourself up and you've got to get off that cycle.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

And strength training is super important, you know, not such intense cardio all the time. You've got to help your body. It's all you know. It's all about feeling good. We are energetic beings, we are made of sunlight, so it's all about feeling good, finding the movement that feels good, the foods that feel good, that's you know. I eat right because I want to feel great, like when I eat crap, or even now I can't drink alcohol anymore. I just feel horrible. When I drink alcohol, I don't sleep and it's hard because some of my friends still do and it's like it just doesn't do it for me anymore. It's so much about feeling good. Now, if you are following a program and you feel good, you're doing the right thing.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, I love that, and I've had my own epiphany with alcohol too. I'll still have a cocktail here and there, but I could never. I'm like I know now I cannot have more than one, because I feel like hell even at that moment, and then the next day it's just 10 times worse. So I just choose to. I just went to Italy with my daughter and I proved it there. I'm like I can't do this. I can't keep up with the big boys when it comes to alcohol. Okay, I do want to talk about intimacy, because women are whispering about it. Why is midlife actually the best time for real connection?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Because we know ourselves and we're done with the BS stuff. I mean when, before midlife, you know it's like I would put this mask on, like I'd have to like show up a certain way, dress a certain way, you know, have some alcohol, do all of these things. And then you know I was really interesting with my man Kenny, my fiance. We actually didn't have sex for a year and a half. We met during COVID. He wasn't quite working right, and the guys are having issues too. I needed a dry out period, like rebound guy. It was just all about sex all the time and it was like no, no, I need to like, I need this, the person I'm becoming to be in alignment in the bedroom. And so you know, we worked on it. It took time, but now it's just it's, it's playful, it's honest, it's present, it's fun, there's no pressure, we're not going anywhere. So I don't know, I mean, I don't know, everyone has a different experience, but it's just so, it's. It's like the icing on the cake. It's this thing that we do together that really connects us. That is just totally a joy and fun. And we, you know, give each other pleasure and you can ask for what you need. You know you can try new things. It's this piece of that authenticity of you know speaking up and saying you know, I don't like this or I don't want to do this or I'm not in the mood today, and I think so much. You know, we feel like in marriage it's like, well, if we're not having sex and the marriage is falling apart for me the sexual piece was often a band-aid. It's like okay, if we're doing this thing, then the marriage is okay. But the marriage was not okay. Now the relationship is awesome. We started off as like adoring each other and best friends and the cool thing about it too is that the touch there's not this like. There's always sort of this difference between sex, touching like intimacy, and how we're relating and out of the bedroom, and now it's just fluid. We're always touching, we're always dancing, we're always playful. It all just sort of goes together.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

And I saw your reel about hormone replacement and I want to say, ladies, estradiol, topical estradiol is a lifesaver. It's not very expensive. Your OBGYN will give you a prescription. What it does is it, you know, gives you a JJ, as my best friend says makes your vagina happy. So you know, it's moist, it's thicker, you know, because if sex is painful, you're just not going to want to do it, and so I'm all about topical estradiol. I think they just got rid of the black box. They're working on it, working on it. So you know, I'm a breast cancer survivor and I take HRT and I take estradiol and I think that's a really important conversation that we need to be having.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

A lot of that early research was really off. If you read why Estrogen Matters by Blumenthal, you can read all about how that happened. Where it was. All of a sudden, hrt kills, right, and everybody stopped doing it. I mean, again, my mom's got osteoporosis and that's the only way I'm going to prevent it. I mean, I can keep track of the breast cancer piece and I don't have estrogen progesterone. You have to have a conversation with your doctor and see what your risks are. But it's also there's so many reasons in terms of feeling good and aging well. I think it's a piece of, instead of like, trying to look younger, let's talk about aging well. Let's talk about that. You know, doing what we need to do now, so your future self will thank you.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, you know, kind of back to the intimacy piece too. Intimacy can look different for different couples and I've had plenty of conversations with friends, clients, who their relationship has kind of transformed a bit and they've made some decisions together that that's not, that kind of intimacy isn't super important. But what may still be important is cuddling or finding different ways to pleasure each other. Maybe it's not intercourse anymore, maybe we're sleeping in separate bedrooms now because one partner snores or whatever, but it's still making that time for each other where you focus on that piece, the intimacy piece. But again, for a lot of couples that doesn't mean intercourse right, and intimacy starts at breakfast right like yes hi honey, you know you're looking, you know you look beautiful today.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Tell your partner what you need. Um, you know, maybe working on the food piece, again, there is this piece of if your body is healthy, you're going to, you're, you know it's going to make the intimacy work better. Again, that penis, canary and coal, mine. Same thing, you know, for women. There's certain the whole food plant-based diet really does help. But I love that because we're, you know, we and we we don't have a roadmap, and I think that's what's so exciting, but also what's difficult. We each need to figure out and I think that's what we both want to work with our clients, right, like, who do you want to be? Coaching is all about, okay, you're here, let's create a vision of who you want to be and let's get you there as fast as possible and have some fun along the way instead of, like, just floundering and feeling stuck.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

And I think one thing we didn't talk about, michelle, is the fear factor. That is such a big thing because it comes down to neuro. I'm a neuroscience geek and it's like your brain isn't interested in you being fulfilled, happy, actualized, passionate. It wants to keep you safe and all of the things that you want to do, your brain's like don't do that, you could fail. You know something terrible could happen. So that's where sort of the anxiety comes up. If you want to transform at midlife, whether you want to transform your intimacy, you want to transform your body, you want to do something career wise, you want to even you know, even volunteering or taking a class. There's a fear there. Right, it's all world like you're meeting new people, you're in a new environment, and so you have to work productively with your anxiety. And I have a whole freedom from anxiety kit I've created where I, you know, help people with this kind of the semantics of it the body, mind piece. Because what happens is you have an anxious, you want to do something and all of a sudden you're excited about it, but then you're anxious and so the body starts picking up the anxiety and the brain is like oh, the body's anxious, and it goes back and forth. So you've got to calm the body down. Things like breath work are great or yoga, any kind of dancing movement. Before I was feeling a little anxious this morning, I got on my rebounder, I put my rock and roll on, I jumped up and down for 10 minutes. But we have to work with that anxiety piece because all of these changes that we're talking about, if you're feeling anxious, you're moving in the right direction, but you have to learn how to work with your anxiety productively.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

And one of my favorite tools is turning that anxiety into excitement, because excitement and anxiety are very similar physiologically. Right, where you know we sweat, our heart rate goes up, our eyes may dilate and it's like, you know, when you get on a rollercoaster, if you like them, you're like this is exciting instead of like, oh my God, this is terrifying. Right, and we go see, we see scary movies because we like that excitement. But we want to feel that we're safe. Remind your body, you're safe, which is a big piece of self-compassion. Even in this moment, feeling anxious, I'm safe. Okay, I'm doing this thing, but I'm not going to be eaten by a saber tooth tiger. I am totally, totally safe. So we have to work with that fear, with that anxiety, and I am just here to say if you're going to rock your midlife, you're going to feel anxious.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

And a lot of you know when clients come to me, they feel uncomfortably comfortable because they're so stuck in this doing the same things. Like Einstein says, insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. If you want different results, you've got to do some work. I'll tell my clients right off the bat I'm only going to take you on as a client if you're going to do the work. I don't want clients, I don't want you to invest in coaching with me if you're not going to do the things. It may take some time. We may have to work on some anxiety. We may have to really take a look at why you're not reaching your goals, get curious about it and see. But you've got to do the work and you've got to go places that are going to be a little uncomfortable.

Michele Folan:

You know, it's that fear of failure piece that you know we're trying something new. But you know, I will say now, at 61, I worry less about the failure piece because I have that a little more confidence than I had. Because I have that a little more confidence than I had even 10 years ago and it's like, well, I'll try it, why not? You know, it's very empowering, I think, being in my sixties where I don't care as much what other people think. I mean, obviously I don't care what people think, because I post stuff on Instagram and I talk about my personal life a little, probably too much, but you know what? I don't care.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Really Do you? No, because and I posted a thing, you know, when I was in my forties, fifties, when I was a personal trainer, I felt I would have this dialogue of I feel so fat. It was weird because, you know, I think that's a piece of that whole weight loss, piece of that when things are going difficult in our lives, we're just like I'm going to go on another diet, I'll change my body and then it'll be better. But I posted about that like the sense of like I was in like this puffy coat and I was having a hot flash and I was sweating and layers and I was like the only thing going through my head was I feel so fat. So I do post about, you know, personal things. I think it's important that women see that it's not all. You know rainbows and unicorns. It's a lot of rainbows and unicorns, but it's also, you know, difficult things like dealing with adult children, aging parents. You know I'm dealing with some back issues right now.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I had my mammogram the other day. It was negative, super happy, but I was like congratulations. I was like if you, you, I think it's difficult for all of us but to be, you know, to go walk in there and I always feel like it's like slow motion, like I'm walking into the mat you know the mammogram place clinic and I'm like, oh my god, I can't believe I have to do this. Or even I had, you know, cataracts done um a couple months ago and I've had that retinal detachment and my retinal detachment the first time came after I had had cataract surgery and this fear thing. But to say that this is normal I think we're normalizing that. You know, I'll say for myself I'm a bit of a hot mess. I make mistakes all the time and I own them and post about them.

Michele Folan:

No, you make mistakes A lot. I overwork myself. Oh, me too.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

But the thing about the self-compassion piece is, when you have that self-compassion, you, instead of beating yourself up, you're like, okay, made a mistake, forgive myself. What did I learn? How do I not do it again? Because if you figure out how not to do it again, you've learned. You grow, and that's another piece we haven't talked too much. There's this growth that happens in midlife because you know, like, like I talked, you know being a perennial and you're giving yourself the right soils, you've got the right environment. You're watering yourself.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

You know self compassion is emotional regulatory technique. You're learning how to own all your emotions I don't say good, bad emotions, there's positive ones and there's difficult ones. And then you're you know the sunlight, like you're doing what brings you joy. You're you're connecting with people that you love. You're cutting those people off and those things off that you know that aren't doing anything for you. You stop saying yes to everything and stop people pleasing, stop criticizing yourself and just be like, okay, this is who I am. And you grow because everything that's happening to you is all there, because it's all there to help you with your becoming, to becoming that woman that you are destined to be. I love it.

Michele Folan:

I love this stage of life and I think you just encapsulated it so well there. And I would love to know, Ellen, what's one daily non-negotiable that keeps you grounded.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I have so many.

Michele Folan:

I know, don't we.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I don't do what I do in the morning for my self-care routine. It's crazy, but it's about habits. So I mean, I think sleep is a real non-negotiable for me. If I don't sleep well, I feel terrible.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

I just do so. I'm really in bed 10, 10, 30, sleeping to 6, 6, 30. So that's kind of a non-negotiable. Certainly I'm eating a healthy diet. Last couple of days we've been entertaining, so my body's kind of like I feel it right when I eat. We eat a lot of plants. It's a green smoothie for breakfast, it's salads, stir fries, all of those things. For lunch it's mostly plant-based, although I do eat a little bit of animal protein. When I don't eat right, everything starts to hurt. I feel inflamed. So diet's super important. Yeah, I guess those are the two biggies sleep, diet and also just having fun and joy and not taking myself too seriously.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Movement I move every single day. I probably move two to three hours a day, but I love it. That's a healthy lifestyle and it's so cool where I live both places I live so many healthy. I guess we're not quite seniors yet, but it's like everybody is. So in Tysia in Costa Rica, everybody's walking every morning, everybody's playing pickle ball, everybody's swimming, and the same thing here in North Hero people are biking and we're dancing and we're feeling so good. We're doing yoga. So that movement piece I would say the diet, the sleep and the movement are all non-negotiables for me.

Michele Folan:

Amen, I love it Very good. What is one thing you wish every midlife woman knew about herself?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

You're amazing Just thinking about it when I just stand back and just think about you know, your mom and your dad had sex and you popped out and here you are. So you're amazing and that you have agency. We need to move, and this is what I'm doing a whole new kind of methodology that I'm working on, called dragon flying, and dragon flying is all about. We talk about the butterfly as the metamorphosis, and the butterfly is just, it's icky, right that you make a shroud, you digest yourself, you struggle to get out, you do all the things like a bird eats you, right, dragonfly. On the other hand, the dragonfly spends two years as a nymph in the water and it's a fierce predator. And then one night I like to say the stroke of midnight it climbs up the stalk of grass. And then one night I like to say the stroke of midnight it climbs up the stalk of grass and it morphs, it molts and it's the dragonfly. And so it can happen really fast.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

If you're listening to this, you know, get a coach, talk to me, talk to Michele. There are great coaches out there who want to help you transform. So you are amazing. You're here for a reason the world needs your light and love. As the Dalai Lama says, the Western woman is going to save the world. I mean, the world is changing. We need to be here for our kids, our grandkids or whatever that thing is that you're called to. Whatever that passion is for you, you're here for a reason. So love yourself, take care of yourself, and I can go through my seven steps, which are be yourself, love yourself, energize yourself, take care of your body, reprogram your brain, empower yourself.

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

Once you do those first four, jump out of that plane. You got to do that thing and you know. Face your fears, rehab those relationships. So work on those relationships. Then enlighten yourself, understand that you aren't just a human with a soul, your soul that's having a human experience and I think that changes everything. But just see what a miracle life is. Get out in nature. I get out in nature and I'm just like wow, I'm like part of all. That is Like look at this incredible natural world that I get to be alive. And the only regret I have about being so joyful, happy and high vibe is that life goes by so fast. When I was miserable, you know, when I was in my 40s and 50s and both menopause and not in a great marriage with you know teens and all of the things I was like life just was like a snail's pace. I was like I can't wait to this to be over, to get to this next place. But do you find that like the better life gets, the quicker it goes?

Michele Folan:

Yeah, I thought it was just because I'm over 60. Yeah, I thought it was just because I'm over 60. But yeah, it does. Things are going at a much quicker pace, but I'm enjoying life more now than I ever have. So I'd rather have that than go back to where I was in my 40s and even my 50s, ellen. Where can listeners go to dive deeper into your Rock, your Midlife framework and self-compassion superpower?

Dr. Ellen Albertson:

So the easiest place to find me is just themidlifewhisperercom. That's themidlifewhisperercom. I'm the only midlife whisperer on the planet. I'm on Instagram, I'm on Facebook or Dr Ellen Albertson. If you Google me or go on Facebook, they're easiest places to just go to my website and you'll see the new photo shoot, which was super fun to do, and I encourage women just to get that makeover. Feel good about yourself, Because I think when we feel good, everything else falls in place. It's really all about being that light, being that love, feeling good. But yeah, check me out Midlife Whisper. I also have a book called Rock your Midlife, which is on Amazon.

Michele Folan:

Fantastic, Dr Ellen Albertson. Thank you so much for being on Asking for a Friend. Thank you, Michele. Thank you for listening. Please rate and review the podcast where you listen and, if you'd like to join the Asking for a Friend community, click on the link in the show notes to sign up for my weekly newsletter, where I share midlife wellness and fitness tips, insights, my favorite finds and recipes.