Asking for a Friend - Health, Fitness & Personal Growth Tips for Women in Midlife

Ep.127 Becoming Unf*ckwithable: Lisa Danforth on Boundaries, Self-care, and Redefining Authenticity

• Michele Henning Folan • Episode 127

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I loved this conversation, and any woman who struggles with setting boundaries must listen to this episode!

Discover the art of becoming "unf*ckwithable" as we sit down with the inspiring Lisa Danforth, a serial entrepreneur and coach, who shares her journey of setting boundaries for self-care and success. Learn from Lisa's experiences in navigating the delicate balance between personal and professional spheres, and how curiosity can be a powerful tool for personal growth. Hear stories of transformation, like a client who overcame self-doubt to raise her rates by connecting her choices to something deeply meaningful, showcasing the power of boundaries in fostering both well-being and achievement.

Explore the nuances of managing energy rather than just time to maintain balance in life. We discuss how leading with love and compassion towards oneself can create healthier relationships and a life that truly serves you and those around you. Get insights into strategies for handling difficult family conversations, the "toddler effect," and the complex dynamics of caring for aging parents, all while preserving personal well-being and integrity.

Finally, we tackle the societal norm of alcohol and the importance of setting boundaries around its consumption. Lisa shares her journey of starting a non-alcoholic business, offering healthier alternatives and fostering inclusive environments. From navigating social stigmas to embracing one's authenticity, this episode is a call to action to stand in your worth, prioritize self-care, and redefine success on your own terms. Tune in for an empowering conversation that challenges the status quo and inspires you to live authentically.

You can find Lisa Danforth at:
https://www.instagram.com/lisadanforth1/
https://www.instagram.com/toniquemobilebar/

_________________________________________
Are you ready to reclaim your midlife body and health? I went through my own personal journey through menopause, the struggle with midsection weight gain, and feeling rundown. Faster Way, a transformative six-week group program, set me on the path to sustainable change. I'd love to work with you! Let me help you reach your health and fitness goals.
https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/?aid=MicheleFolan

Have questions about Faster Way? Feel free to reach out.
mfolanfasterway@gmail.com

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Michele Folan:

I had a conversation with a client today who was struggling to keep up with everything. Her duties as a mom, a daughter, wife, were all spreading her so thin that she was feeling very defeated when it came to focusing on her health and nutrition. And as much as her family wants her to be healthy, feeling good about herself and happy, sometimes, making that commitment to ourselves is the hardest part. What if it doesn't have to be perfect? When you're learning something new, do you expect to be an expert out of the gate? Of course not. If you're wanting to begin your own fitness journey, the most important step is to just get started. I will give you a custom nutrition plan, daily 30-minute workouts for any fitness level, delicious, easy meal plans and plenty of hand-holding and accountability. Reach out to me via email at mfollinfasterway at gmailcom, or on social media or on social media Health, wellness, fitness and everything in between. We're removing the taboo from what really matters in midlife. I'm your host, michelle Follin, and this is Asking for a Friend Boundaries.

Michele Folan:

We speak of this quite often on the podcast and we hear this word used all the time when it comes to an aspect of self-care. Back in episode 35, Andrea DeWitt used the term, protecting your sovereignty. This can apply not only to your time, but also your mental space. Not only to your time, but also your mental space. Susie DeVille, in episode 104, speaks of putting a moat around your life, as we sometimes extend ourselves beyond our physical and mental capabilities. And if we don't put up some boundaries, no one's going to do it for us, right? And then there's the whole topic of how this also translates to the workplace. But how do we set boundaries, and without coming across selfish or bitchy or even rude?

Michele Folan:

This is where my next guest comes in. Lisa Danforth is a serial entrepreneur and coach who believes that it is possible to have better balance in your personal life, where you are inspired to be the best version of you, without apology. Lisa has been dubbed the hand-holding ass kicker who wants her clients to be unfuckwithable. I love that term. Lisa Danforth, welcome to Asking for a Friend.

Lisa Danforth:

Thank you. Thank you, I am beyond excited for this conversation.

Michele Folan:

So we were chatting before we hit record and I was like, oh, we got to save this for the show. This is really good stuff and this happens all the time. Lisa, what else would you like to share with the audience about you?

Lisa Danforth:

Oh gosh, the serial entrepreneur is a big thing, Like I. Just it just drives me and for me, this is my. I have started my sixth business a year ago this month, one called Tonique, which is an alcohol-free bar service. So I'm running both businesses alongside each other. My belief is that follow your curiosity right. If something is drawing you forward and inspiring you and something you could talk or do constantly, just research it, start playing around with it and invite it in. And that's where I've gone with my life and it has served me highly. There's a lot of things that I started to pursue and realized I didn't want them because I allowed myself to do a little bit of research on them. So it's not like you've got to go down and commit for years. It could be a week of research.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, and we all have that itch. Sometimes. You know where you want to try something new and, yeah, I guess it doesn't need to be a full-fledged commitment. You can dabble and explore, right? Lisa? I'd like to hear a little bit more about your career path and how you got into the coaching space.

Lisa Danforth:

My career path is super winding. Actually, when I was eight, I knew I wanted to be an entrepreneur. When I was in college, I started a professional housekeeping company so that I could make good money, work around my schedule. I moved to Vermont, got married, had a children's wear company called Bottom Buddies for eight years, learned how to manage people, how to manage suppliers, how to lead all of that. Have those conversations, have to set boundaries right. Have those conversations with everyone, including family, so I can prioritize. And then I launched into a catering business.

Lisa Danforth:

I sold the clothing business, launched into a catering business, started a second division in 2008, when the economy went down and I was getting a lot of requests for lower cost events and I point that out that I was running two separate because I had the boundary of not lowering my fee right. I had worked so hard to become a boutique catering company. People were wanting a lesser expensive because of the economy. I said, great, I'll start a new one. So I didn't compromise what I had built. I had set that boundary. And then I was done with that and moved into coaching in 2015.

Lisa Danforth:

And I have to say, for coaching, I've always been that one that people sort of go to. They're like I've never said anything like this before or I don't know why I'm telling you this, because there's just this. It's one of those things that has really helped me in my coaching, but also with all of the different businesses that I've had. I have had to learn how to lead, how to set boundaries, how to establish new habits and remove bad habits or poor habits that are not serving me, my clients or my family or whatever and how to prioritize how to prioritize my goals, how to prioritize my relationship and how to prioritize my self-care, because without my self-care, I can't serve the people that I'm here to serve. That includes my family, that includes my clients, that includes my community and it includes myself.

Michele Folan:

How did you coin the word unfuckwithable?

Lisa Danforth:

I didn't coin that, I found it. I was researching it and I saw it somewhere. And then I started researching it and the Urban Dictionary's explanation of what unfuckwithable is just had me leaning in so hard. It's when you are truly at peace and in touch with yourself and nothing anyone says or does bothers you and no negativity or drama can touch you right. So for me I talk about lead with love, be unfuckwithable. So to lead with love means to have self-compassion, love and caring for ourselves first. But we can care for ourselves and our bucket is full, our cup is full. We can be unfuckable.

Lisa Danforth:

Unfuckwithable when something flies at us, whether it's a toddler with a tantrum, whether it's a client or a mother or mother-in-law husband, whatever it may be. We can stand in our brilliance and who we are and be unapologetic about our boundaries, right. So when we are unfuckwithable, it doesn't mean that we're out there slashing and slashing things up. It just means we remove ourselves from the emotion, from the drama I guess would be a better word of what's going on around us, and connect to who we are and who we want to be. Not necessarily what we want to do, it's who we are being that creates the life that we want to choose. It's not what we are doing.

Michele Folan:

I think, as women, though, we really struggle to draw those lines. You know, as my one guest she's, you know, protecting your sovereignty minds. You know, as my one guest she's, you know, protecting your sovereignty. Why do women in particular get overwhelmed with all the stuff?

Lisa Danforth:

That is an excellent question we have, and when I talk there's going to be some gray area, right, but it's going to seem very black and white. But we have been taught from a very young age, for hundreds of years, of what a good woman is, what a good wife is, what a good friend is, right. So we have this lens through which we see and experience life, because it's been taught to us and told and emulated for us that we don't even know anything different. So to be a good wife you've got to put everyone else's needs first, and a good mother and a good business owner means I'm going to give it 2000% to my business and I'm going to put my self care on the back burner. So when we've been told think of yourself as a radio tower that for years, when you're born, your parents are telling you who you are, what you're good at, what you can do, what you can't do, what your boundaries are, what your boundaries are not, who you can hang out with. Then you go to school and your teachers are telling you, and then you graduate and you go, you get a job and your boss is telling you and you get married, and then you've got that. You know that that going on, so that we've been taking in from a very young age, especially as women. We are the nurturers, the caregivers, right, right, we're not. That's, that is our role and that defines us, so that we don't even know we're looking through a lens that we can take off and switch it to something else and say you know what Boundaries are going to be essential in anything that I do?

Lisa Danforth:

There are studies that show that people who are the most compassionate are also the most boundaried. Do you know why? Why, because when you have boundaries, you don't have resentment. You're saying yes to what you want to say yes to, and you're saying no to what you want to say no to. How many times in a relationship, whatever that relationship may be, has someone asked you to do something and you're like, yeah, sure, and you walk away? You're like I cannot believe. They just asked me to do that. When we're not willing to set a boundary, why would somebody else observe it? It's because we don't know how to set that boundary, because we've been taught not to, and I could go down a whole rabbit hole on that one. So I'm going to hand it back to you and, if you want to run with it, Well, so I got I've got a lot of questions here.

Michele Folan:

I believe women often feel that if they say no, that they're coming across as bitchy or they're going to think I'm lazy or they're or even stern, you know they're, they're afraid to come across stern, that they they're trying to get this point across, that they want to protect their time and their space, but they don't want to be perceived negatively. How do you get that client or a friend to say no, it's okay, and how do they communicate that without being more comfortable with the communication? I guess that's what I want to say.

Lisa Danforth:

I mean that comes into the unfuckwithable right. But it also comes back to what is most important to you Is being a doormat and resentful, which is negatively impacting your relationships. Is that really what you want? So, with that coming across as bitchy or too stern, says, who Says society right Says your boss. When you have been a doormat or when you have always accommodated other people, the other people are not going to like it when you start to say, hey, you know, I know I've always agreed to X, y or Z, but what I'm realizing is it's really not working for me. I'm feeling resentful and I'm really kind of not liking our relationship and I don't want that.

Lisa Danforth:

Like, you're so important to me, whether it's, you know, whoever it is so that when we can take ownership of it and say I've done this, but it's no longer working for me, here's what I'm willing to do and here's what I'm not willing to do. I call this giving the gift of transparency. If you have always said yes to something or always been the one that picks up that last minute project so your teammates can go and do whatever, or if you're the one that's always picked up the kid's socks, whatever it may be, you've agreed. You've agreed to dance that dance period. We need to own it and say hey, I mean, I remember saying this to someone who was extremely important to me. I really hate you when you do this, like it was getting to a really bad point. I don't want to hate you. I love you, but this is no longer working for me, so we need to have a conversation. Now, if the other person isn't willing to have a conversation, then that is okay as well. That is their choice, that is their boundary. But you still need to state okay, so here's what I am willing to do and here's what I'm not willing to do. So when you ask me this, this is going to be my response. Just like when the kids leave their toys on the floor, you say, if you don't pick them up, they're going to go away. You put them away, the kid screams and you say well, that was your choice, you knew what was going to happen, right?

Lisa Danforth:

Same thing in relationships. It is our responsibility to be clear, direct and respectful. It is not our responsibility how it lands on the other person. So you are making a decision through the lens of the other person that they may perceive it as bitchy. Would you rather live your life accommodating others and being someone other than you are, to fit in and not disturb anyone else. Meanwhile, you're cramped in the corner, trying to fit into this little box that doesn't fit in right. So we need to look at how are my choices impacting my joy? How are my choices impacting my success? How are my choices impacting my success? How are my choices impacting my relationship with my spouse? Because I am resentful, and there's nothing like resentment to deteriorate a relationship down to zero or worse.

Michele Folan:

Ugh, yeah, boy, this is like this is good stuff. Okay, all right. Yeah, boy, this is good stuff, okay, all right. So I had told you that I'm a fitness and nutrition coach, and one of the first things that I work on with my clients is mindset, because I have to first find out if there's any obstacles in the way of them being successful. And this happens quite often, lisa, where you know we were talking, maybe, about menu planning, and I hear, oh, my husband will never eat that, or my, my child isn't going to want to eat that kind of food. And I, I like my hair lights on fire because I'm like, wait a minute, this isn't about your husband or your picky kid. This is about you taking care of yourself and making a really positive, wonderful move forward in your health. And so how would you best coach someone who is really feeling always so beholden to other people?

Lisa Danforth:

That's an excellent question and again that goes back to the lens, right. We've been taught who we need to be, so we truly believe it. The key is to connect your client to the person they want to be and that life they want to live. I'm going to give a really quick example about a client that I had a few years ago who hadn't raised her rates for years and she felt so uncomfortable People weren't going to pay it. She was making the decision for her client a financial decision without asking them and it was really disturbing her deeply. She was so disappointed in herself and she didn't trust herself in her business because she wasn't able to follow through when she knew she was worth so much more.

Lisa Danforth:

I said what I want you to do is envision you taking food off from your child's plate and handing it to your client, or a gift or whatever it may be for your child and handing it to the client because you're not willing to raise your prices. You're taking money out of the family fund, out of your income, and allowing someone that you know that you're not charging enough money that puts such a distaste in her mouth. She was like, oh my gosh, that was all I needed. So if you can connect your choices to something that you really like, when I could connect it to someone other than her, we can't, we often can't make choices as women for ourselves, right? So when we can make it about someone else, it's best to do it about ourselves. But if we're not able to, when we're building that muscle, you can make it about your child. If you're having a hard time with a client, make it about the client.

Lisa Danforth:

My philosophy is I can't be afraid of you firing me by. My tagline is I hold your hand and I kick your ass. Right, so I can't be afraid, or I'm going to show up differently, right, so I'm not serving you at the highest level. If I'm afraid of what you're going to say, I'm here for you a thousand percent. So when we can make it the discomfort of the choice in the moment right, of saying no or saying yes.

Lisa Danforth:

I am going on a vacation, we'll figure it out, whatever it may be. When you can connect it to the future self, when you can connect it to the improved relationship, I mean, if I'm going to say yes again and I'm going to be hugely resentful and my marriage is already on the rocks, am I really, you know pause. I love the power of a pause. Your pause will fuel your push. Pause Is my choice because I don't want to have this difficult conversation with my spouse. Is it important enough to me to speak up, or am I going to choose yet again, to deteriorate and put another brick in the wall between me and this other person that I love deeply because I'm not willing to have this conversation and even check in with them?

Lisa Danforth:

Yeah, does that make sense yeah.

Michele Folan:

No, it really does. And so another client situation would be the client that doesn't have enough time because they're super busy. They've got a full-time career, they're running a business, they've got grandkids and kids and everybody around them. And the conversation came up well, have you been getting your workouts in? Well, no, because my son will call and want me to watch his kids, and so I think an appropriate conversation would be okay. Can he bring the kids over after you get your workout in? I mean, I get where she wants to be able to spend time with grandchildren, but at what cost? Right?

Lisa Danforth:

So, and that's it right? At what cost? Yeah, I would ask. If she's feeling resentful that she's not able to take time for herself, I would also ask her what is she getting out of this? You don't really want to do it because you have other things to be doing. So is this building and I keep coming back to resentment, because that's such a thing with boundaries.

Lisa Danforth:

But you can't be successful in your life, in your relationships, in anything, without healthy boundaries. And when we are struggling with time management, we're actually struggling with energy management. Where are we putting our energy With boundaries? When we set boundaries, we can get more done in less time because we're able to prioritize and focus and not be distracted, right? So I'm not willing to take the kids for four hours, but what I am willing to do is get my workout in and you can drop them off at 1.30, but I need you to pick them up by 4 or 3.30. You're stating your boundaries. I'm not willing to do this, but I am willing to do this. You know, hey, I know that I've always agreed to. You know that I'm always available, but I'm finding that my health is really failing or, you know, waning, because I'm not putting myself.

Lisa Danforth:

First. We cannot have a healthy relationship when we are not taking care of ourselves. We cannot have a healthy business when we don't have self-care. Almost all of my clients that one pivotal piece that helps them be more successful in life and at work is caring for themselves. And guess what? The number one thing is if they keep kicking that can down the road, oh, I'll get to it tomorrow.

Lisa Danforth:

And then we lose our energy and we lose our focus and we lose our energy and we lose our focus and we lose our clarity and we lose direction. We start to lose focus of the vision that we want because we have disconnected from it and we start to feel overwhelmed because there's so many things to do. And when we come from that place of lack, we start to think that we're not enough. So then we agree to more to be able to do more. So that boundary lead with love. I'm going to go back to what we started in the beginning Lead with love for yourself. When you lead with love and compassion for yourself, you can bring love and compassion to anyone pretty much right. You don't get hooked by their energy or what they're saying or who they're being. Lead with love and be unfuckwithable, so you can create the life and the relationships that serve everyone, not just others.

Michele Folan:

This advice. Would have been really nice to have Lisa back a couple jobs ago.

Lisa Danforth:

I would love to talk about how to set boundaries with jobs. I think you had mentioned that in the green room.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, I did. And so because I mean it's different, right, because you're setting boundaries with your family members, it's a little different than setting boundaries with a boss or a coworker. So let's talk about that.

Lisa Danforth:

So often excellent, excellent, lead in. I love this. So often. We're good at boundaries in one arena, right, really great, with my family and my friends or whatever. But at work, oh gosh, I'm really just not good with boundaries because I need that job or whatever it may be, or vice versa. We're really good with boundaries at work, so there's no scope creep. You know, I'm charging my worth. I'm not answering the phone at seven o'clock at night, you know, or on the weekends. So look at if you are successful, or a little more successful, with your boundaries in one arena. What are you doing? What's working for you? What's allowing you to more comfortably set those boundaries and start pulling that into the other arena? Now for work.

Lisa Danforth:

I have so many clients that are like sort of mid-level managers and they just keep getting stuff loaded on them. Oh, I need you to do this and I need you, you to do this and you've got to do this. Here's what I recommend, and this is such a beautiful thing because it is so beautifully boundaried, softly and firmly. You know, when your boss comes to you or someone that you know comes to you right and adds one more thing to your to-do list that they've already given you to-do list that they've already given you. So you know, look, I have all of these things that you've given me that are great, and I really, and I would love to be able to get to what you're wanting me to do. So tell me, what do you want me to deprioritize, because this is already 50 hours worth of work and I can't add anything else. So you let me know what you want me to deprioritize so I can focus on this. Happy to do that.

Lisa Danforth:

So you're not saying I can't do it. You are saying I'm not willing to add another 10 hours when I'm not being compensated or I have to miss my child's soccer game, or whatever it may be. But you're saying, hey, here's the list of priorities that you've already given me. I've been chipping away at them. Happy to put this one. Tell me where you want this in order of priority. And then here's the key zip it. Don't start talking, don't start explaining, don't start backtracking. And then all of a sudden you're like, oh, screw it, I'll just do it. Have them tell you what they want you to deprioritize, because then they have to make the choice. So if something is set down, that's it. I simply can't do this in the 40 hours that we have allotted. So when we do that, we're handing it back to them instead of feeling like we just I can't do it.

Lisa Danforth:

Does that sound softer?

Michele Folan:

No, it's good, because otherwise, back to the resentment piece. You're going to just be resentful of your boss or whoever it is and you're going to hate your job, You're going to miss the soccer game or whatever it is. And who's that? What's that doing? It's not helping anybody.

Lisa Danforth:

It is. What happens is we lose trust within ourselves to stand up for ourselves, to stand up for our family. I can't work another weekend. I've missed my kids' last three games and I keep promising them. So it's really a matter of what is most important. But, even more importantly, who is most important that you're dropping because you can't say no to someone else?

Lisa Danforth:

This goes back to that conversation about my client, right? Who is most important and how are they being impacted because of your inability to set a boundary and understand? It's going to be uncomfortable for the first few times that you set boundaries and you're not going to do it right. But until you're willing to have that uncomfortable conversation, you're not going to learn how to do it effectively. Again, clear it is your responsibility to be clear, direct and respectful. It is not your responsibility. How it lands on the other person and if they react negatively, that tells you volumes about who they are, not about you, right? That's why it's super important to say hey, I know I've always been this way or I've done this before, but it's not working for me any longer Give the gift of transparency and if the other person and keep in mind I call it the toddler effect.

Lisa Danforth:

When you've always done something and the other person has been able to get you back into place right with a huff, a rolled eye or the silent treatment or whatever it may be right, you're so uncomfortable, you agree their normal huffing and puffing. They're going to up their game. More than likely that toddler in the store that knows exactly pitch that they need to hit for the parents to give them this and give them that right. So be aware that people will probably, if they've done this in the past, will probably make it more uncomfortable for you. But connect to the person that you want to be, connect to the outcome that you want. Connect. Connect to the outcome that you want, connect to the self-trust, the self-confidence, the self-joy, the celebration of who you are, and make yourself proud, because every time we give a piece of ourself to someone else, it's chipping away at our confidence and our trust in ourselves, and then what happens is we don't go for what we want and we live a life that is unfulfilled.

Michele Folan:

There's another situation where this is very relevant for the age group of the listeners here. I can't tell you how many times and I had this conversation this morning with a neighbor. I can't tell you how many times and I had this conversation this morning with a neighbor how many times we are thrown into a care situation of aging or ill parents and we are taking on the majority of the load. We have siblings that are very capable of helping and they don't, and it creates this horrible rift and resentment. Back to that resentment word again amongst siblings, because there's always that one person that's taking on the brunt of the work. How do we have those conversations effectively with people that are close to?

Lisa Danforth:

us. It's an excellent question and it's a really hard question, right? Especially if it's your parents or loved ones, because you don't want them to feel the brunt of when you're not stepping up.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, you don't want them to feel like they're being a burden at all because, for God's sakes, they've cared for us for years and years and years. They've cared for us for years and years and years, right?

Lisa Danforth:

But if you don't create the space for the sibling to step in, they're not going to. So what I would recommend I mean, there's so many different things that you can do One of the things that I have found to be effective is here's what I'm willing to do, here's what I'm not willing to do. So we can either hire a caregiver that you will be paying for because I'm doing this work, and it is simply not fair. I mean, would you like to be the one that's putting in 40 hours a week or 80 hours a week for our parents? I mean, they cared for both of us, right. But here's what I'm willing to do, here's what I'm not willing to do. And if you're not willing to do it, then you're going to need to hire a caregiver because they need care, or you, or or we could put them into um, you know a facility, and that's going to be a lot more expensive. Until you're willing to have that really difficult, uncomfortable conversation because it's your parents or it's it's whomever, it is right. But if you continue to step forward and take up the space that that person is neglecting, they will be more than happy to experience the moments of discomfort of you because I've got to go take care of the parents because you're not going to. They can handle that. It's just like any teenager can handle you going wop, wop, wop for 20 minutes.

Lisa Danforth:

Better to ask for forgiveness rather than permission. This is going to be your responsibility. So let's talk finances and how much you're willing to invest. Don't let them off the hook. Be clear, direct and respectful. Show up with your boundaries. Don't show up with aggression, which is super hard, because when you're showing up with aggression, they're going to meet you with aggression and that's going to get you absolutely nowhere. This comes back to lead with love for yourself, for your parents, for your sibling, for the situation. Have compassion and throw up some fucking boundaries. Okay, be unfuckwithable. Yeah, this is not acceptable. You would never take on 40 hours a week of this or whatever it may be. But when we lead with love and we unapologetically establish boundaries that serve us so that we can show up more fully for the people around us, so that we can care for ourselves, right, there is no need to be apologetic.

Lisa Danforth:

Now here's the trigger, or the key piece. Really simple stuff, right? Just set a boundary. It's easy, it's very simple, but it is not easy. And this is where we can trip ourselves up, right. What's wrong with me? Why can't I set a boundary? I know I'm supposed to do this. I know that they should be doing this.

Lisa Danforth:

So, when we bring compassionate curiosity for ourselves, what's going on for me that I believe that I have to be the one that's stepping up? Why is it that I always step up? Just play with it. Take off your lens of judgment, take off the opinion and just play. Why do I feel that this is who I have to be? Where did this come from? Again, no judgment and just journal. Just write some stuff down if you can, or if you're driving, think about it.

Lisa Danforth:

Bring in that compassionate curiosity and then graceful accountability. Don't beat yourself up, don't let yourself off the hook. So don't beat yourself up for being the one that's always done everything all of these years. And now you've got to do it, or I can't believe I've wasted my life doing things for others when I really didn't want to Just notice. And when we notice, we get to choose differently. Simple, not easy. So bring in the compassionate curiosity when we choose differently, right. So we're not going to beat ourselves up, but we're not going to let ourselves off the hook. I'm going to change this relationship so that it serves me at least as much as it's serving the other person. It doesn't have to be all about me, but it will no longer be all about them.

Lisa Danforth:

That graceful accountability in anything that you do, whether you're talking with someone else or whether it's for yourself.

Lisa Danforth:

Whatever it may be, don't beat yourself up for the choices that you've made in the past, because you will never make a positive decision from that energy. You're only going to create more of where you're. If you're coming from that energy, you're going to be making a decision from that energy, but don't let yourself off the hook. Okay, so I want something different. So I guess I need to set a boundary so I can take Saturday afternoon and just go and think about what I want, so that I can make a choice, connect to the outcome that I want, so that I can stand in my brilliance and stand in my boundaries unwaveringly unfuckwithable. When we unhook from what we think someone else might possibly be thinking and we stand in our worth and we stand in our brilliance in any relationship, it is far easier to make that choice and sit in the discomfort of the conversation so that you can achieve the outcome that will serve both of you I want to say this when I was 40, maybe even 50, I was not good at this.

Michele Folan:

I can say right now I was not unfuckwithable, fuck withable. I don't know when the light bulb went on, but I am much better about setting my boundaries and I can tell you right now this is resonating with so many people right now. I know women are listening to this and they're nodding their heads because, I mean, you make it sound really easy and I know it takes some practice of having these conversations and you know we all practice these conversations. Like you say, driving in the car you play these things out in your head of how you want this conversation to go. But it is such a gift to give to yourself to have these conversations with those around you.

Lisa Danforth:

It is a gift to every relationship that you are in when you are showing up authentically instead of trying to fit in, because you will be who you are instead of someone that you're not. So they're not even in a relationship with you. They're in a relationship with somebody you're pretending to be Right. Think about that. Brene Brown says fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. That one quote, um, changed my life and why I'm sort of I'm always like ask me why I teach boundaries, because it's been a lot of years. So fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging.

Lisa Danforth:

One morning I'm sitting lakeside in Maine on a frosty winter morning. Sun's rising over the lake. The lake is all crystalline pink. It's beautiful. I've got Brene Brown's book in one hand, I got a hot cup of coffee in the other hand and I'm sipping, just slurping up this hot coffee because it all snuggled in with my blanket during my morning reading and I read fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. And I kid you, not mid-slurp, I just stopped and I saw my life flash before my eyes.

Lisa Danforth:

As a child, I learned how to dance the dance so that I could avoid the wrath from my father and get the pat on the head forward into school. Same exact thing I was the good girl forward into my marriage. Don't disrupt things In my business. I showed up the way that I was taught to show up in a very masculine way in my business, which is not natural for me. I believe in feminine entrepreneurship. So there are the polarities, the being and the doing. We need both, too much of one, and it doesn't work right. So I could sit there and go through my entire life of all of my struggles came down to because I felt that I had to be someone other than I am, so that I could and I put this in air quotes belong, but I was only fitting in, and there was resentment and there was anger and there was sadness and there was tears, because I never felt like. I always felt like there was something wrong with me, right, like I can't be this person. I'm too weird, I'm too quirky, I'm too bitchy.

Lisa Danforth:

When I speak up right now, when we hold things down for days, weeks, decades, right, and then all of a sudden we explode oh, there she is. She must be, you know, on her period. They're screaming no, it's because you've been an asshole for years. I haven't spoken up, right. So when we speak up, when we say our peace, clearly, directly, respectfully, we take everything else off the table. No, this is about us. This isn't about me. I'm screaming because it's the only way I can be heard and I don't want to do that. So I'm no longer screaming. This is what I'm going to do Simple, not easy. Bring in the compassionate curiosity. Bring in the graceful accountability. Lead with love, be unfuckwithable and be unapologetic. That's it. Okay, we're done. Just little pieces, just start. Little incremental pieces. Don't do it all at once right. Just care for yourself first and then start bringing in that unwavering strength of who you are.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, yeah, god, this is like I feel like I'm getting a pep talk here. This is awesome, all right. So, lisa, you do Boundaries Bootcamp. What does that entail?

Lisa Danforth:

So the Boundaries Bootcamp is really just a format, for it's a framework for bringing boundaries into your life. It's a six-week program. The first part is we lay the foundation, which is really the mindset. We won't do anything inconsistent with who we believe ourselves to be. So we'll have one foot on shore, one foot on boat, say I'm making a change, but not go all in, and then you fail. And then you say, see, I suck at this, I can't do it. So just laying that foundation, the mindset, and then we look at it's called what's your frequency.

Lisa Danforth:

So often we numb ourselves, whether it's through being a workaholic, a caregiver for others, gambling, shopping, lack of boundaries, always saying yes to other people. We numb ourselves because we don't speak up. So when we can look at and see what our frequency is, what our energy is and how we're showing up, only then can we start't speak up. So when we can look at and see what our frequency is, what our energy is and how we're showing up, only then can we start to shift it. Then we talk about the emotions and the fear which goes to the fitting in versus belonging, relationships and communication. All right, ladies, if you're listening, who here has struggles with your communication, direct communication in your relationship. So learning how to speak up, which a piece of it is stating something and being quiet. But we won't go into that one. And then that time management. Everybody, we struggle with time management because we don't have the time, because we're not focused on our energy. Is this worth my energy, is this right?

Lisa Danforth:

So making the choice, pausing, and then the last bit is it's called it's habits and designing a plan. So it's really setting yourself up for success, so that implementing new habits. So, instead of focusing on removing and this is a big piece of setting boundaries and showing up as you want is, instead of focusing on removing the and I put this in here it's bad habit recognize the trigger of, of what triggers you for this, to make this, to make this choice that you don't want and have something positive that you want to put in, because if you're focusing on the negative, I can't, I don't want, I've got to get rid of this you're going to create more of that. So, when you notice that you're saying yes to something, have something else that you're going to. You know what. Let me back up a moment. So it's just, it's a six piece framework. It's what the Boundaries Blueprint is, which is just a quick little write-up. It's a freebie on my website and then I take that and we go a lot deeper with the Boundaries Bootcamp.

Michele Folan:

Okay, got it. I want to talk about Tonique and I know you're a serial entrepreneur and you've done a lot of catering in your past life, but I love this most recent venture with Tonic and this is something that is very near and dear to my heart, as I have had my own kind of reckoning with alcohol and wanting to have a better relationship with alcohol gray area drinking it's all been topics that we've covered on the show and I've been very transparent about my wanting to cut back on my alcohol, which I've done. Where did this idea come from to do Tonic, which is a alcohol-free cocktail mobile bar, which I think is amazing? Tell us a little bit about that.

Lisa Danforth:

Okay, first of all, it was handed to me. The universe kept putting it on my plate, kept putting it on my plate, kept putting it on my plate. So I can't say it was something that I was like, oh, I'm just going to pursue this. So, like in 2019, 2020, I started being curious about shrubs and whatnot. And then COVID hit and I was like, all right, I'm here by myself, I may as well just play around with something and give myself something to do. And I started playing around with all sorts of different recipes and then found all these non-alcoholic bars and brands and all of this and I started following it. And then I started seeing as COVID was progressing and we were still in lockdown.

Lisa Danforth:

The alcohol consumption rates go through the roof. Yeah, the alcohol consumption rates go through the roof. Yeah, domestic abuse, child abuse, child neglect, loneliness, anxiety, stress, depression, suicide going through the roof. And I thought there's got to be a better way. We are numbing ourselves right, whether, again, it's workaholism, whether it's whatever. We are numbing ourselves with alcohol to not feel what's going on for us, and we've been taught that to not feel our emotions. So there's this whole coaching component that the non-alcoholic you know when we drink. We're drinking to numb our feelings. We don't want to feel something or be a certain way, or whatever it may be. So there's a direct correlation.

Lisa Danforth:

I've yet to figure it out so I can articulate it perfectly, but I was watching that and I kept playing around and I kept thinking about it and I asked my son if he wanted to go into business. And he did, and I'm like I don't want to start another business and do it on my own, but it just kept showing up for me. And then finally, a friend said hey, you know you've been talking about this for a while, why don't you just pursue it and hold it lightly? And I tell you, I was like that's a great idea. And it unfolded like unraveled and it was like the universe was like okay, and then okay, and then okay, right, it just unfolded and we've had huge success, huge success, and it's been very easy for the most part, right, starting a new business is not, you know, for the faint of heart by any means. But I followed my intuition and I allowed myself to sit in the discomfort of saying, okay, I'm going to do this because no one else. I kept waiting for someone else to do it. I'm like no one else is doing this. I'm happy to step up, but again it wasn't like coaching is in my bones like in my bones, but again it wasn't like coaching is in my bones like in my bones.

Lisa Danforth:

Cocktails, I mean, I am having a great time, but it's not in my bones, if you know what I mean. But I just felt driven, inspired, drawn, whatever it is, to pursue it. And with every step I took I mean, whether you believe in the universe, intuition, guidance, whatever it may be things just unfolded more easily than any other business that I've ever done, because I just kept following my gut. I'm like I don't know what I'm doing this, but I'm just going to pursue it, and then it would just unfold and be beautiful. So I still drink on occasion.

Lisa Danforth:

It's not that I am, you know, let's admit, alcohol is a toxic. It's toxic. It's not good for you. There's no positive qualities to it other than bringing people together, specifically men, because men will not have conversations. So they gather at the bar or whatever and have a couple of beers for the most part, but still it would be so much healthier to do that around something else. And when we look at what alcohol does to us. I mean you talk about time management. Get rid of your two glasses of wine at the end of the night so that you can wake up and be energetic and focused and clear and present in the next day. You can be more joyful in your relationships. So there's so much benefit. There's also a piece of inclusivity we talk about. You know DEI and all of this inclusivity. Gallup has done a study that 38, I think I actually just saw a new 24 study that was like 41% of people don't. Of the adult population, us adult population does not drink alcohol, does not consume alcohol.

Michele Folan:

Really, it's that high.

Lisa Danforth:

It is that high Gallup did something in 2023. It was 38% of the US adult population states that they do not consume alcohol. So when you have an event I mean to A how many baby showers, first birthday parties any party that you go to bar is like one of the first things. How many networking events have you been to that are focused on a bar Around here in Vermont? They're always to that are focused on a bar around here in vermont, always at a brewery or a bar. So everything's focused on it.

Lisa Danforth:

So I teach. I also teach you know, like, how to say no, how to set those boundaries. Yeah, people come up to us and say thank you, thank you for doing this, because they're they haven't. They feel included. It creates safety. It creates, you know, for whatever reason you're choosing not to drink, it's your business, it's no one else's. And when you have a sophisticated, delicious, alcohol-free alternative, you're more apt to go out. Studies show people will continue drinking even though they want to and they know they need to stop, because they're afraid of losing their community, they're afraid of being stuck home and the loneliness that comes with it. So when we offer an alternative so they can set their boundary and say I'm not drinking and then leave it at that. Don't feel the need to explain. I did a video on that. Let them sit in the discomfort of asking, when you just say I just don't drink, why Just don't?

Michele Folan:

drink. Yeah, oh no. I was going to say I've gotten past that point now, at least with my friends, that if I show up and I've got my Stanley or my Yeti, people stop asking me what I have in it, Because it's usually soda water and a lime with cranberry juice or something like that. There's less curiosity now about what I'm doing.

Lisa Danforth:

But here's the interesting thing alcohol is the only drug where there's something wrong with you. If you don't think it is, why isn't she doing heroin anymore, right? Why isn't she doing cocaine, whatever it may be? Smoking even? We know that's deadly. Alcohol is a carcinogen period period. So when people ask, why are you not drinking? So if you're someone who wants to cut back and be more mindful, you're not interested in being all sober, or maybe you are have one or two comments. I'm not drinking tonight, why not? I don't feel like it. And let the silence sit. Let them sit in the discomfort of that rude question. Really and I'm sure I've done it before in the past but you don't have to explain whatever your choice is for not doing anything. You don't need to explain whatever your choice is for not doing anything.

Michele Folan:

You don't need to explain. Ah, you just rolled right back into setting boundaries. It's like it's all right, it all comes together.

Lisa Danforth:

It really does, you know. And setting boundaries with yourself Okay, you know I will have one glass of wine tonight, but that's it. And honoring that so that you can trust yourself to go out the next time, yeah, yeah.

Michele Folan:

And I'm not a teetotaler either. I mean I still have an occasional beverage, but it's my choice when I want to and when I don't. Back to your comment about alcohol being a carcinogen and this is such an unpopular topic. I mean people just don't want to talk about we like our wine. I mean people just don't want to talk about we like our wine. I know right and I get it, but it's linked to seven cancers.

Lisa Danforth:

So here's what I want to come back to with the boundaries real quickly, when you can connect your choices in the moment to the outcome that it will bring, it's so much easier to make that choice, whether it's a boundary or whether it's not having a drink. It's called time inconsistency. We value the present more than we value the future, because the reward is in the moment. Oh, I get to have that drink and I get to feel good, but the cost is in the future. When we flip it and the cost is in the moment, it's discomfort of saying no, but the reward of a longer life and improved relationships and health and confidence is in the future.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, ooh, beautifully said. I love that. Have you written a book?

Lisa Danforth:

No, but I read a lot.

Michele Folan:

Okay, well, I think you need to write a book. I'm going to tell you that right now I've had somebody tell me, I've had a couple of people tell me I need to write a book and I look at them going really but you really need to write a book. I do want to know, lisa Danforth, what is one of your core pillars of self-care?

Lisa Danforth:

Oh, that is such a good thing. For me, the main thing that I do at least five days a week, monday through Friday, for self-care is and it starts the night before I lay out my yoga mat in my living room so that I do my yoga every morning and it's like 12 or 15 minutes. I don't like yoga. I have no interest in yoga, but my back aches at 59 and a half when I don't do it. So I connect to do I really All right, 12 minutes, 15 minutes in the morning. So the core pillar of self-care for me is making sure that I carve out a few minutes in the morning before everything else starts. If I choose to not do the yoga, I have to roll up the mat, which highlights oh girl, you're going against what you know you need to do Setting it up the night before is key.

Michele Folan:

You're making a commitment to yourself by putting that mat out. That's awesome, all right. Where can people learn more about you and your coaching, and also Tonic?

Lisa Danforth:

Oh, thank you. Well, my website is just my name, so it's lisadanforthcom. You can book a clarity call. I love to say book a clarity call. There's no sales, there's no anything, just help you gain some clarity on an area in your life and that just having someone to talk to, I think is so very important. It can open things up for you. So that's lisadanforthcom. And then Tonic is Tonic Mobile Bar, but it's spelled T-O-N-I-Q-U-E. Some people call it Tonique. I'm from Maine so I call it Tonique, and all of my social handles are Tonique Mobile Bar.

Michele Folan:

Wonderful. Lisa Danforth, I feel like I probably should pay you. I feel like I just got a therapy session, but this was a lot of fun. I really appreciate you being here on the show today.

Lisa Danforth:

Thank you so much. I appreciate the opportunity.

Michele Folan:

I am so grateful for the ratings and reviews from our listeners. Did you know that your reviews help other people find Asking for a Friend? If you like what you hear, won't you please leave a review on Spotify or Apple? Thank you from the bottom of my heart.