Asking for a Friend - Health, Fitness & Personal Growth Tips for Women in Midlife

Ep.108 Finding True Love Over 50: Transformative Wellness and Dating Strategies with Maria Spears

• Michele Henning Folan • Episode 108

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Roughly thirty percent of women aged 50-64 are single, and while there are plenty of dating apps out there to assist in the search for companionship, they aren't always ideal and can be overwhelming. There can be important work to be done on the front end before we dive into the dating abyss. 

Do you really know what you are looking for in a partner? Are you fearful of repeating past errors in the choices you've made? Or are you that compassionate friend who is always helping a friend through their dating woes? It may simply come down to getting some coaching.

Dating and love coach, Maria Spears, wants to empower women to find the love of their lives and create the extraordinary relationships they've always wanted. She introduces foundational self-discovery exercises and techniques like journaling and EFT tapping to overcome limiting beliefs and rejuvenate confidence. 

Discover how self-awareness and honesty can revolutionize your relationships, particularly for women over 50.  From reassessing partner choices to breaking past patterns, this discussion provides invaluable strategies to find true love and happiness. Whether you're contemplating dating after a breakup or seeking ways to approach new relationships with intentions, this episode is packed with actionable advice that can change your relationship dynamics.

Self-care isn't just a buzzword; it’s a cornerstone in finding and maintaining meaningful relationships. We delve into the pillars of self-care with Maria Spears, who emphasizes a diet rich in organic foods and energy work like tapping and Reiki. Learn about her special program, Path to Transcendent Love, and take advantage of her free 45-minute consultation and 10-step guide to finding true love. This episode is an essential listen for anyone looking to enhance their personal well-being and romantic connections. 

You can find Maria Spears at:
https://www.maria-spears.com/
https://www.instagram.com/mariaspears.lovecoach/
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063492126285

_________________________________________
Are you ready to reclaim your midlife body and health? I went through my own personal journey through menopause, the struggle with midsection weight gain, and feeling rundown. Faster Way, a transformative six-week group program, set me on the path to sustainable change. I'd love to work with you! Let me help you reach your health and fitness goals.
https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/?aid=MicheleFolan

Have questions about Faster Way? Feel free to reach out.
mfolanfasterway@gmail.com

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*Transcripts are done with AI and may not be perfectly accurate.

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Michele Folan:

All righty, tell me if this sounds vaguely familiar. You've been trying to lose body fat, but getting frustrated. You're tired all the time, lack energy and are maybe sleeping poorly. You've tried the restrictive, fad diets and crazy cardio, only to gain back the weight and then some. You want to focus on your health and gain muscle to make your coming years the best they can be, and you're really motivated to transform your body and have sustainable results. So everyone this was me to a T. So I did my research. I looked at all the coaching plans out there and knew I wanted one that combined both fitness and nutrition, was macro-based and had an app to keep me on track. Faster Way had all of this and more. And, best of all, it is a perfect match for women in midlife. I'd love to tell you more and see if I'd be a good match for you as your coach. My contact info is in the show notes of this episode. And now on to the show Health, wellness, fitness and everything in between. We're removing the taboo from what really matters in midlife. I'm your host, Michelle Folan, and this is Asking for a Friend. Roughly 30% of women aged 50 to 64 are single, and while there are plenty of dating apps out there to assist in the search for companionship. They aren't always ideal and can be, frankly, overwhelming. But there is one important thing that should be done on the front end before we dive into the dating abyss Do you really know what you're looking for? Are you fearful of repeating past errors in the choices you've made, or are you the compassionate person who is always helping a friend through their dating woes? Well, it may simply come down to getting some coaching. Today, we're joined by dating and love coach, Maria Spears, who wants to empower women to find the love of their life and create the extraordinary relationship they've always wanted. Welcome, Maria Spears.

Maria Spears:

Thank you so much, Michele. I'm delighted to be with you and your listeners.

Michele Folan:

Oh well, it's great to see you again. We have chatted before and I thought this was a great subject to cover off on, because there are so many single women out there right now and all of us have maybe at least one single friend that we always are that shoulder to cry on, helping them through their dating challenges. So I thought we could cover off on a lot of really good stuff today. I am very curious how you found your path to becoming a dating and love coach, what was your career path and where'd you go to school? And all that good stuff, okay.

Maria Spears:

Well, I came to this finally from my own heartache from a couple of years after my divorce.

Maria Spears:

At that point I had kind of redefined my life, you know, and I was ready to make a career change as well, and I kind of went back to something I had done long ago, at the beginning of my career, which was to counsel and coach young people at the college level.

Maria Spears:

And so I started to go through a coach training program and as I was doing that and started to see clients, every single person that came to me wanted to go back and heal past heartache and, yeah, they didn't want to repeat the same mistakes in the future and they wanted to figure out how they could break their patterns of attracting the same types of people that they weren't happy with.

Maria Spears:

So it was through my own process as well of recovering from divorce and figuring out what it was in me that caused my relationships to go in the wrong direction, to be unhappy or unfulfilling, and I also figured out what it is that we as women, if we had known it, we could have prevented a lot of our own mistakes and heartache. And I want to do that for women moving forward, you know, because there's things that are very learnable, because this thing about love doesn't have to do with intelligence at all. Every single woman I ever meet is super intelligent and it's almost like it's outside of your consciousness. It's a subconscious process that happens that governs whether or not you're going to find the right partner. So I'll let you ask me.

Michele Folan:

Yeah. So I'm sitting here thinking as you're saying all this and I'm going maybe this is coaching. We should all put our daughters through before they make that choice. Just how do we prevent them from making mistakes that we ultimately learn about later? Right, that was just an aside thought. It wasn't really a question, it was more of a comment. So you looked at your own life and you reassessed how you were going about choosing a partner. What did you find in your own story that helped you come to terms with this?

Maria Spears:

So the biggest thing that I learned for myself and there was a lot, you know, we could probably devote a session to this but the biggest thing that I found was that I wasn't speaking my truth. In fact, I didn't even know it, I didn't know myself, and so that really impacts. You know how your partner is able to. You know how deep they are able to go emotionally with you if you're not able to go there. So it was just a cascade of things, and the person that I ultimately married because I'm divorced now about 12 years the person that I married, I chose based on criteria that were, gosh, not in alignment with who I was, and it was based on a low self-worth yeah, you know, M maria, I often think too that we do change a little bit and maybe maybe not change as much as we grow, and maybe that person that we thought was our ideal mate 12 years ago or 20 years ago whatever may not be who we are now.

Michele Folan:

And you said about being true to yourself, and I think midlife women kind of come to terms with this in many ways not just relationships but careers, and this is where the midlife pivot comes in. So this is really interesting.

Maria Spears:

So this is just looking at it from a dating perspective and finding love, yeah, I see where you're going with that, because many women find themselves in marriages or partnerships in midlife and one or both of the partners have evolved, or possibly in different directions. And that's the challenge right To keep a long-term relationship going and going to a deeper level.

Michele Folan:

So when you have started working with women, what do you find most often holds women back from finding their ideal partner?

Maria Spears:

I love that you asked this question because I want people to know that it's not them, it's not something innately wrong with them, because a lot of women believe this that I meet with it really has to do with. When you were born, your brain started to create a blueprint for relationships from the very beginning, from that relationship with your parents and then moving forward in all your romantic relationships and then moving forward in all your romantic relationships, and inside of that are all your past experiences, your hurts, your emotions and your beliefs about love and men and about yourself, and so those are the things in patterns. You know that we carry forward and our brain is designed to help us keep repeating those. So until you interrupt those, you recognize what they are and interrupt them and change those patterns, they will subconsciously continue to repeat. That's just the way our brains are designed, and it's not that we're intellectually or emotionally faulty.

Michele Folan:

And then part of your coaching, do you do exercises to kind of help people break that circuit in a way?

Maria Spears:

Yeah, I do. We do a lot of exercises up front because it sets the foundation for everything else we do. It helps us discover what those limiting beliefs are for everything else we do. It helps us discover what those limiting beliefs are that keep them back. For example, I'm too old to find love now, or I'm not attractive enough, or it's not in the cards for me. There's a lot of beliefs people have that cut the possibilities off for them. So we do a lot of self-discovery exercises, especially the part about what their needs really are, their legitimate human needs, and so many women over 50 never got a chance to look at that because the women who raised us were from a generation of. You have to be seen, but not heard.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, Suck it up. Yeah, is journaling a part of this? Do people actually put this in writing?

Maria Spears:

Yeah, I do exercises with them, especially to release past hurts, especially if there's been a divorce, you know. So I have them write letters to past loves, kind of really not that they mail, but they burn them, but it's just really cathartic to get it out. I also am an EFT tapping practitioner and I find that just as people use tapping to break habits like smoking, I can help them break habits going towards the wrong people.

Michele Folan:

Maria, I have had an EFT practitioner on the show before. Do you mind just explaining a little bit about what EFT is and how that works?

Maria Spears:

Yeah, so EFT, tapping, emotional freedom techniques. It runs on the assumption, just like in Chinese medicine, that you have meridians of energy running through your body and the idea is that when an event occurs that causes certain emotions and beliefs to come up, that interrupts your energy flow and by tapping we are able to tap into, we're able to clear that. It's almost like a kink in a lawn hose, a water hose. We're able to open up the flow again and tapping goes to the amygdala part of the brain where normal situations might cause us to be anxious and upset or bring up past heartache. So because you tap and it calms the brain, so you're not reacting anymore in the same way you used to, you can also use it in positive ways to boost your confidence. So I personally use it before I'm going to speak, you know, to help me feel more relaxed and able to speak freely. You know from the heart.

Michele Folan:

Did you do EFT tapping before we got on our call today? I did, okay, I was just curious. I was like, okay, she really does do this. That's neat. I think I like things like EFT, hypnosis, reiki. I think they're all super interesting and offer people just different resources for self-help, right, and many women, though, are still reeling and healing from heartache of divorce or even a breakup. At what point do you feel they're ready to start to explore dating again? Because how do you? If you're not really ready, if you're still really in this state of mourning, when do you know you're ready?

Maria Spears:

Yeah, that's a really good question Everybody. I just want to state up front that everyone is different. So some people are ready months later, some people are ready years later and some people are ready decades later. So you have to go with what is right for you. It depends on how much you've had an opportunity to process your emotions, whether with a therapist or a group, a supportive group. I think that's really important.

Maria Spears:

The process of getting to know yourself again and finding your joys. That's really important to do beforehand, because there's nothing worse than stepping into dating and then immediately suffering the common rejections that happen when you're out there in the dating world. So I think one of the markers that I tell women to look for for themselves is to look at like is your life back to some kind of a routine? Do you feel like your life has found a rhythm again? Do you feel like you're ruminating much less about your divorce and your ex? And when you do decide to go out there, really important is to give yourself an intention of why you're going out there, and any of these that I'm going to mention are okay, but just be really clear for yourself, because you don't want to jump into a relationship, a full-on relationship, immediately. If you're even asking yourself the question am I ready? You're going to be ready to date much sooner than you're emotionally ready for a relationship.

Michele Folan:

So if you're still driving past your ex's house or stalking him on Facebook, it's probably not a good time to start dating yet.

Maria Spears:

And if you do, just be clear with yourself oh, I'm getting out there so I can have affection and physical contact again, or I'm getting out there just to have fun, or I'm getting out there just to see who's out there. Expand my social circle and see what kind of men are out there. Just to see you know who's out there, expand my social circle and see what kind of men are out there today. Get my feet wet. So I really I advise even my clients they're going to date for three to six months different people without getting exclusive with anybody.

Michele Folan:

l l a j s?

Michele Folan:

I picked this up off of one of your Facebook posts or Instagram posts. Can this process kind of like look ? search. In some ways, yes, you can use some of the skills you have accomplished or that you fine-tuned in your work, in your career. For example, the person you're going to ultimately meet, or just getting out there to meet people to date, they're not likely to be in your immediate circle. So you want to network, you know, get out there and go to different places to meet people outside your comfort zone. You want to draw from your great communication skills Women are so great at listening . and really getting to the heart of you know what's being said so that bringing that curiosity and listening is really important. I mean, a lot of women don't realize how much men crave emotional intimacy. Yeah, and we're, we're able to do that. We're able to lead them to that place. So, being your authentic self, like stating very clearly what your you know wants and desires are, um, and it gives the other person an opportunity to please you, to know what you want to, and also to know well, that's a whole other thing to know that they can't push your boundaries. Uh, but it but it develops trust If someone can see who you are and that you do what you say you're going to do. There's a lot to it, but yeah, so that's some of the things that you might want to. The other big thing is what's your non-negotiables and your must-haves? Even if you're dating casually, what are you not willing to put up with? And if you're recently divorced, I say stay away from negative people, stay away from men who are still in the herd of divorce themselves. Right.

Michele Folan:

So here's my question to you, though, and I love how you're saying you want to let people know your boundaries and be honest about what's important to you. That's typically not a topic you're going to discuss on the first, even the second date. When do you start to have those conversations?

Maria Spears:

Give me an example of what you're thinking.

Michele Folan:

Well, I know sometimes people will say, hey, that was something that my ex-husband used to do and it used to really bother me and you know that kind of thing. When is it fair to start having those discussions with someone that you're kind of interested in?

Maria Spears:

Okay, so I think you know a couple of dates down the road. I think, based on what I think you're trying to say, and what I was trying to speak to in terms of your desires, is the basics. When you're setting up a first date, like you know, let them propose a couple of places to go to and choose. Don't say, oh, whatever you want, you know. So that's what I mean by being really clear for them, so that they yeah, they have something to run with. Or, if you don't like someone to pick you up in their car who you don't know, it's okay to say that I'm sorry, I'm sure you're a lovely person, but I don't get in a car with someone I don't know yet. Okay.

Michele Folan:

No, I think that's good. I think setting some parameters of how you want to date is very in 2011. Are women still having success with these apps or do you have other strategies?

Maria Spears:

Yeah, I thank you for asking that, because, from the amount that apps are advertised, you would think that people are only meeting there, and the truth is this.

Maria Spears:

I read the research and the data and what I see is that for women over 50, it's less than 10% meet a partner, a long-term partner, on there or get married. People are on there for many reasons. They're there for hookups, they're there for friendships, they're there for relationships. So that's why I say be clear, upfront, why you're getting in there, especially online. But when I work with women, we create a plan for how they're going to get out there more and it's predominantly about how they're going to expand their social circles and show up in places that they enjoy, doing activities they love, because I know that, looking at my clients who have met their partners, I don't see anyone who met them online, even the ones, even the ladies under 40. It just happened. But yeah, so I, you know I will help women with their profiles, with their photos and so that they can use online just to get practice dating and not have really big expectations, but be out there and practice their skills. But it's not the thing I focus on with them.

Michele Folan:

I had a dating coach on the show a while back and one of her strategies was go find men where men hang out. So bourbon tastings golf tournaments what? Do you think about that thing? What do you think about that?

Maria Spears:

Well, what I like about that is that it asks a woman to go a little out of her comfort zone and not just go to places other women hang out, you know, because a lot of times our interests are similar to other women, so I do like that. But what I encourage is go play pickleball. You know, I've played pickleball now for two years and then in the first couple of months I got three dates. So I know there are men out there meaning go do an activity that you love. And it's better to get to know someone through an activity. Especially when you're jovial and you're having fun. You're much more approachable. Yeah, and it's easier for them. They have an easier way to kind of start striking up a conversation, and you can too. I mean, it's much harder to strike up a conversation at the grocery store or the coffee line than it is if you're playing on a team with someone a sport. So there's a lot of men who take yoga today. You're laughing.

Michele Folan:

I want to see what you're saying. No, I'm laughing because I like striking up a conversation with a guy over the pomegranates in the produce section.

Maria Spears:

Yeah, well, and there are certain times where available, men are going to the produce section.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, hey, it happens, I know. I know someone who's married today because she met her husband in the produce section at a grocery store. Do people still?

Maria Spears:

meet at church. Personally, I haven't worked with anyone who met that way, but I would say yes, if there's something that's in your values that's really important to you, that would be the most obvious place to start with. Especially if you're sharing with other people. You know there that, hey, I am looking for someone wonderful with these qualities. Please introduce me to them, so you know you can use it that way to expand again your network.

Michele Folan:

All right, can you explain your Transcendent Love program?

Maria Spears:

Yeah, it starts with the first thing that we talked about, which is looking at what your original patterns are, your blueprint in relationships, and being able to work through that and dissolve those.

Maria Spears:

And then we start with working with their must-haves and their deal breakers, because so many of us really don't know what makes up an unhealthy relationship and what makes up a healthy one, and so we go through that process.

Maria Spears:

Initially, a big part of it is helping women get into their goddess vision, and what I mean by that is helping them discover what is their essence, that they were born with, that no other person has, what is really beautiful and attractive about them, so they can really feel it and embody it when they're out there in the world and in dating. I help them discover what their strengths are in relationships, and we work through upgrading dating skills and relationship skills, because what we're ready for today in terms of enhancing our love life is, you know, a different place than we were when we were, you know, in our teens and twenties and thirties, getting married for the first time. So it's, and I I want women to have a vision of the kind of partner that is 10x beyond what they've ever imagined. So we create visioning activities so that they can really put themselves in that life and really feel what it would be like to be with a man who cherishes them, who really sees them, who's truly an equal partner. So that's the basics of what we go through.

Michele Folan:

The guy on the cover of the romance novel. That's the guy. So if you have a client, Maria, who isn't feeling self-confident, they're not feeling good about themselves, they may you know, they're not having body confidence. They feel like you know 20 years, 25 years of marriage, they feel frumpy, whatever. How do you get them in a better place to feel like that goddess, that they, they feel like they can go out and meet that man?

Maria Spears:

I start with helping them go back to what helps them feel joy and appreciation. Because once you start getting in the flow of those emotions, then you start to see ahead how you could be connecting with someone who will appreciate everything about you. So we start first with their self-care. There's something about when she cares for herself and shows love to herself that she's finally able to show a partner or potential partner how to love her, how she wants to be loved. So we really start from there and we work a lot at pulling up what their strengths are, what's really beautiful about them.

Maria Spears:

A lot of people believe that women especially they, have to be a certain way for men to love them or be attracted to them. And I have to say that men find the beauty in women and confidence attractive. Period end of story, because my clients come from all kinds of backgrounds that you would say oh my God, she had so much emotional baggage, she was married twice, she had had her whole life a terrible streak with men and rejection and literally you really can put that behind you and feel like the right man is going to love every part of you because he's been looking for exactly what you have. So it's that belief that I keep reinforcing in them.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, and I love what you said about that.

Maria Spears:

Just that if you exude confidence, if you show confidence that is so appealing to men that they're really attracted to that, yeah, and expressing who you are, you know at your core, like talking about it your dreams, your desires, your goals just being authentically you, because you want to attract someone who wants that. You don't want anyone else you know who's not going to be a match to that. So it's okay if the wrong ones self-select out.

Michele Folan:

Yeah, you just don't want to compromise. Yes.

Maria Spears:

And I make sure I hold the bar high for them so they don't compromise.

Michele Folan:

Do you work with people just one-on-one? Do you do group type of coaching as?

Maria Spears:

Yeah, I work mostly with women one-on-one because I find that it's a really sacred space of the heart. It's very individual and we make the most progress working one-on-one in the fastest time. But I do offer groups twice a year and that's the Path to Transcendent Love program and I'll be offering that again in the fall and I speak quite a bit to women's groups. So those are the ways where I get to spread more love in the world.

Michele Folan:

Okay, that's nice. I like that you go speak to groups too. That's neat. I know this is kind of a funny question, but I was just curious. Have you ever had a married woman looking for a love interest outside of her marriage?

Maria Spears:

I have had partnered women really wondering if they're with the right person, come to me and we work together on a short-term basis for them to figure that out. They just need a sounding board, they need to know. You know. I've had people tell me you know, I kind of hated you for a while after we talked because I told them something that they didn't want to hear, that they already knew. But yeah, so I do get that that women want to figure out if they're in the right relationship or improve the one that they're in.

Michele Folan:

Okay, that makes sense, though I did nip it in the bud early, just a little. I think it's reaffirming to have someone else another set of eyes on your situation. So I do have a question for you about your own self-care. What is one of your core pillars of self-care that you practice Well?

Maria Spears:

The thing I consistently practice is trying to eat as much organic you know vegetables, fruits and meats at home, and then if I go out, then you know, of course you don't have that option, but that's something I consistently do. I do make sure that either I do energy work on myself through the tapping or I go to a practitioner who can do Reiki, who can, you know, help me move through certain periods of my life with energy medicine?

Michele Folan:

That's nice. So you do practice what you preach. Yes, yeah, that's great, maria Spears, where can listeners find you?

Maria Spears:

Well, I think the easiest place, the central place, is my website, which is maria-spearscom. You'll be able to find my social handles there. You can schedule a 45-minute consultation, free consultation, if you're interested to see what you can do to change your love life, and I also offer a free guide, a 10-step guide, to finding true love.

Michele Folan:

Oh, wonderful, I will put that in the show notes. Maria Maria Spears, thank you for being a guest today.

Maria Spears:

Thank you, Michelle. I'm so delighted to be with you.

Michele Folan:

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