Ep.57 Date Like a Goddess

You never imagined you’d be entering the dating pool again at this point in your life, but here you are … lost, confused, and frustrated. Nobody seems to be meeting organically anymore, and it’s nearly impossible to navigate dating apps – or weed out the good ones from a profile alone. You might even be wondering if there are any more single, emotionally healthy men capable of a long-term commitment.

Drawing upon her professional knowledge and personal experience, coach, author and Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) expert, Allison Jayne Ewing, has guided hundreds of women in navigating through the landscape of dating after divorce. In her insightful and entertaining book, Find Love Again: Learn to Date Like a Goddess, she shares valuable revelations, proven techniques, and empowering strategies to help you attract an emotionally healthy man, find love and create the fulfilling romantic life you desire.

While we do speak about midlife dating in this episode, much of Allison's methods apply to all women, (married gals, too) who want to find their inner goddess. EFT can also be effectively used in couples therapy, depression, and emotional trauma.

In this episode Allison Jayne Ewing and I discuss:

-EFT Tapping and how it works and how it helps people
- How EFT works in her coaching practice
- Dating apps and the struggle to find good men
- What is holding women back from finding "Mr. Right"
- Doing  work on the front-end to ensure dating success
- Tapping into your feminine AND masculine energies (in marriage, too)
- Why we sometimes need to relinquish a little control in our relationships
- The New Naked and body confidence

Listeners can get a free downloadable copy of Find Love Again: Learn to Date Like a Goddess  and learn more about EFT Tapping on Allison's website at:
https://www.learntodatelikeagoddess.com/
https://www.instagram.com/allison_jayne_goddess.maker/

Her book is also available on Amazon.

 





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*Transcripts are done with AI and may not be perfectly accurate.

**This podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine, nursing, or other professional healthcare services, including the giving of medical advice. The content of this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.

Transcript

Asking for a Friend Podcast
Michele Folan
Allison Jayne Ewing
Find Love Again

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

tap, date, feel, midlife, eft, women, brain, emotionally unavailable, change, eft tapping, book, masculine energy, thought, goddess, body, reiki, subconscious, good, talk, reticular activating system, dating, love

Speaker 1  0:00  
In Episode 41, we explored the practice of hypnosis, Reiki, and past life regression therapy. This was all new to me and I was very intrigued at the Wellness aspect of these modalities. Today we are talking about emotion focused therapy or E F T. EFT can be effective in the treatment of depression and emotional trauma but it can also be used in couples therapy. And as today's guest explains, it can be a powerful tool to help women clear the obstacles that hold them back from finding true love. And while we do talk about midlife dating, much of her methods and EFT can apply to all women who want to find their inner goddess

Speaker 1  1:02  
health, wellness, career, relationships and everything in between. We're removing the taboo from what really matters in midlife. I'm your host, Michele Folan and this is asking for a friend Welcome to the show everyone. Our guest today is Alison Jane Ewing. She is an EFT practitioner and I'm gonna let her explain what that is author and inspirational speaker her book find love again, learn to date like a Goddess has easy to implement strategies to help you shift your dating life from failing to fabulous in no time. She is a divorcee herself, and she co founded dating after divorce.com A deep coaching platform to help women find healthy relationships and clear up all the blocks to successful dating. Welcome, Alison.

Unknown Speaker  2:06  
Hi, thanks for having me. I'm excited to be on the show.

Speaker 1  2:09  
This is such a great topic for women our age. I'm excited to dig in. But first of all, I would love for you to tell the audience a little bit more about you like where you're from your education, and then also your career path.

Speaker 2  2:24  
Okay, sure. I actually grew up on the East Coast. And I have made my way to the Midwest. So these days, I'm in Chicago. But I lived in New Jersey until I was about 10. And then I lived in Boston and went to high school there. My family moved out your neck of the woods to Dayton, Ohio. When I was in college, and I went to Miami of Ohio after I graduated, and I knew I wanted to go to grad school, I ended up coming to Chicago for grad school and got my master's in social work. So that is what started me on my career path as a therapist. I worked for many years in the inner city of Chicago, I worked with kids and families at the Department of Children Family Services and specialized in trauma work.

Unknown Speaker  3:15  
Oh gosh,

Unknown Speaker  3:16  
yeah, that was tough. As you can imagine,

Speaker 1  3:19  
that's really tough. How long were you able to do that?

Speaker 2  3:22  
I did it for about 20 years, I did start to realize in the course of that time, that regular talk therapy, while it can be great, and it can provide a lot of insight. It doesn't always equate to the kind of behavioral change that I was hoping for, with my clients. I actually worked at USC hospital on an adolescent psych unit for a while. And I worked there with this nurse who had been a Vietnam vet and he had come back and was really deep into mind body techniques for dealing with his own PTSD. And then he and I started digging in exploring that and running groups like that on the unit. And that really sparked my interest for just all things mind body. I mean, starting with simple things like progressive breathwork to Yeah, eventually learning EFT tapping, which is emotional freedom technique.

Speaker 1  4:22  
And I would love for you to explain what EFT tapping is because I find this really fascinating and I've done a little bit of reading once you and I had connected. I was like, Oh, this could be a whole nother show, but go ahead and explain it.

Speaker 2  4:39  
Exactly, it definitely could be. The short version is it is a combination of tapping on one's own acupressure points, which stimulates the brain and sends a calming signal to the amygdala to the fight or flight center of our brain and it essentially shuts it off. When we combine tapping on We use particular acupressure points with processing emotionally laden material, the analogy I use is it's like pouring water on the fire of an emotion, it just puts it out. It's really fascinating because what appears to happen is, when you're tapping on these points, our neurological system is basically either in our sympathetic, which is high, go go go fight or flight, high processing drive, or it's in its parasympathetic, which is like your relaxed state. If you meditate or do yoga, or before you go to bed, for most of us, that's our parasympathetic state. It's an on off switch in the brain, and you can't be in both at the same time. Because the tapping on these points, forces your neurological system into the parasympathetic, you cannot hold fear, anger, stress, all those negative emotions, you literally can't hold on to them while you tap, if you tap long enough, it's a very, very cool feeling. Actually, it feels like the negative emotion almost evaporates out of your body, as long as you just keep tapping through it. It's pretty wild.

Speaker 1  6:12  
I'm sitting here thinking of all these great applications. And I know we're going to talk about your book and and your coaching. But in regard to say, I wake up in the middle of the night, which we all can identify with, yeah, is there a certain place I would tap to help me fall back to sleep

Speaker 2  6:32  
in what's known as clinical EFT, there's nine points that we teach everyone to tap on in the same order. Generally, the order actually doesn't matter that much. But it's more for like muscle memory, helping people remember it sooner, you can just do the same order every time, obviously, you're going to remember it easier that way. This is on my website, and anyone can go there. And there's a how to tap page and I walk everybody through it. But just for the listeners. Now, the first point is the side of the hand, and it's sort of the fleshy side of your hand under your pinky knuckle, it used to be called the karate chop point, because that's where you would chop a piece of wood. Yeah, that helps people, I think, picture it. And then we say a setup statement here. So this point is a little unique from the other points, we say the statement three times. And it's where you pair the problem that you're trying to eliminate with some kind of statement of acceptance that you have the problem. This is very powerful. Because so much of the time, what we're trying to do is sort of muscle our way out of our feelings out of our problems. We don't want to feel bad, so we just want to get rid of it. Unfortunately, for us, that's just not how it works. Right? That's just the ultimate paradox, I think of mental health is that you have to accept exactly what you're feeling before you can release it and move on. Yeah, you have to feel it to heal it as they say, what we do in this statement is we basically pair the problem with a statement of acceptance so that our brain starts to get primed for, it's okay, I hear you, I being your sort of your ego, I hear you. It's okay that you're scared, upset, angry, frustrated, whatever. That just seems to help us be able to release the negative emotion, you would say something like the example I often use because I do date coaching is, if you're nervous for a first date, you can tap on the side of hand and say, even though I'm really nervous about this date, I accept that I have this nervous feeling, then you say that three times. Even though I'm really nervous about this date, I accept them as nervous feeling, then you move on. The next point is inside the eyebrow, where the bridge of the nose and the eyebrow meet. And you just tap there and now you're just saying what's known as the problem statement. So in this case, it would be nervous about this date. Then you move to the side of the eye, not quite the temple, but right on the side, the bony ridge there and just say nervous about this date. Then you would move under the eye onto the ridge there, right below your pupil, tap there with the reminder statement. Go under the nose where the upper lip and nose me tap there, okay, to the chin point, or they call the chin point, it's really the crease of the tune. So then you tap there, I can never explain this without tapping you also if you hear a little thumping on my microphone, that's why I have to,

Speaker 1  9:24  
I know I'd like I'm ready to start doing this myself because I'm like, Okay, I gotta remember this.

Speaker 2  9:31  
figured out how to teach it yet without tapping on myself while I do it. Again, nervous about this date. The next point is called the collarbone point, but it's also actually below the bone and you find it you go to the hollow of your neck down about an inch and over about two and there's little dents there. Yeah, tap. They're so nervous about this date. Then you go under the arm right along the bra strap for women couple inches below the armpit for men, and you tap side of the ribs saying nervous about this day. And then the last point is the top of the head point, right? It's sort of the crown chakra for any Yogi's out there, you tap their nervous about this date, and then you take a deep breath and you check in and see how you're feeling. Okay? Typically, we're going to start with like a one to 10 scale, and I'm gonna say how nervous okay, I was nervous on an eight, then go through the tapping, do all the points, and then come back and say, Okay, does it still feel like an eight? And I mean, I can't remember the last time I tap with someone where it didn't drop at least one point. And usually it's a lot more than that.

Speaker 1  10:37  
That is so interesting. I just wanted to demystify that a little bit. I did a show on Reiki, which I don't quite understand Reiki, but this makes way more sense to me. Thank you for indulging me on that one. Yeah, I want to dig into your coaching and your book. I think the best way to start this conversation is what is holding women back from having dating success and midlife.

Speaker 2  11:07  
The whole premise of my book is actually based on what EFT can do for you in a way because the premise is that what is holding you back is you. And that's it. It doesn't matter what your dating profile looks like, it doesn't matter what you look like, none of that external stuff matters. You have to do the internal work and you have to change on the inside. And then what you attract on the outside will show up differently. I actually appreciate what you just said about Reiki because I admit I don't know that much about it either. But what I do know about the EFT tapping work is that there is a lot of neuroscience behind it, they've done lots of studies of blood and saliva tests pre and post and people's cortisol level, their stress hormone level drop dramatically. People's immunoglobulin production raises way up. Now they've even just come out with a few studies showing oversimplification. But good genes are turning on bad genes are turning off when you're doing this tapping. One of the things that I do get into a little bit in my book is some of the neuroscience to explain why and how removing of the subconscious blocks can actually change what shows up on the outside. Because I know when I say that it sounds like magic. And people say, I just gonna magically change and then this guy is going to show up at my doorstep. But the interesting thing is, in a way, that is what happens. It's not magic, it just feels like magic, it seems like magic. What it actually is, is the part of our brain known as the reticular activating system. This is the part of our brain that is responsible for seeing and identifying patterns. Because all day every day, we are thrown so much data that our brain couldn't possibly take in everything that we perceive. Our brains are designed to weed it out and narrow down. And the reticular activating system is the boss of that task. If you got it, what happens is is your reticular activating system starts seeing things when you tune into them. The example I always give us if going to buy a car, and you decide, You know what, I'm gonna buy a jeep. And then suddenly you're driving around and you see Jeeps everywhere. And you think that was always here. But there's so many Jeeps on the road all this time. That is true. Or you'd like when I remember when I first got pregnant before people even knew I was pregnant all the sudden I was like, there are pregnant women everywhere these women come from because now my brain my reticular activating system was like high alert, pay attention for pregnant women. And so I suddenly started seeing them. They were always there, of course, but it just wasn't tuning in and picking up on them. What happens is when we clear our blocks, we start to see different men. And I have a great story to illustrate that that I can tell in a minute here. But what I mean by subconscious blocks, I think is important to delve into a very common one that most people have probably already heard is you date someone who's like your parents. Yeah, that can be the case I don't always say you date your father or your mother. I just say usually an early caregiver is a pattern that demonstrates for us love or what we believe love should be. If when we were young, we had let's say an emotionally unavailable parent and maybe for no fault of their own. They were working a lot or they had a lot of stress. They were single parent whatever it was, but if they were emotionally unavailable to us, what our brain might have taken in and embedded at a very deep subconscious level is emotional unavailable people equals love, your psychology they call it schema, the psychology world, your psychological schema around Love is an emotionally unavailable person that feels comforting, that feels juicy that feels like love. If your reticular activating system is on the lookout for love, which is emotionally unavailable in this case, then it's going to continue to find and identify emotionally unavailable men for you. And that is who you're going to be attracted to when you're out at the cookout, or whatever it is, or chatting online. And it's the more emotionally unavailable guy that is going to appeal to your reticular activating system to your brain more or

Speaker 1  15:36  
less make sense. And it could also apply to if you start dating men like your ex. Absolutely, yeah, I'm sure you see that in your coaching as well.

Speaker 2  15:49  
I talked about it in the book is dating the same person in a different body? Yes. And that's very common. And that's a good point too, because your pattern your unhealthy pattern might have nothing to do with the early caregiver may or may not. One of the reasons why it often does is because the first like six to seven years of life, we actually wander around the world in what's known as the theta brainwave state. And the theta brainwave state is that state, right before you go to sleep, we're kind of woozy, you're sort of half awake, half asleep, that dreamlike state that's theta. And so what they've discovered is that as little kids were in theta all the time, where theta is a highly suggestible state, that's also the state you're in. When you're in a hypnotic state. Basically, whatever you're getting exposed to in those first six to seven years, it's going straight into your subconscious. No Filter, no, nothing. It's just going in there. People will say, Well, I don't even remember much from that time. Well, you might not at a conscious level, but your subconscious does. Yeah, unfortunately, or fortunately, you know, however that might be and want to caveat, I hate bringing that up and making people panic, like, oh, my gosh, I'm super messed up because I had this rough childhood. But our brains are very elastic, do not freak out. It's very elastic, we can change we can bring these subconscious patterns conscious. And then we can clear them out with EFT tapping, pour that water on the fire. It's really interesting. I've tapped with people on all sorts of things. Once we tap on it, it's gone forever. I mean, I've been doing it long enough now that I feel confident my son was seven years old when I first tapped on his fear of dark and he's 16 now and it never came back. Really? Yeah, I've had lots of clients where I've tapped on traumatic memories. And they say it's never bothered them again, since and now I'm going on, you know, several, almost a decade since I did some of that work. Oh, that is

Speaker 1  17:45  
so cool. It's very cool. You have data, so that makes it even more intriguing. Yeah, absolutely. That's so neat. I had someone on the show before who talked about it's good to tap into your feminine energy or your masculine energy? How would that apply? What you see in dating and coaching? That's,

Speaker 2  18:06  
I would say like the next level in the book, the early part of the book is teaching you how to tap and then looking at clearing those subconscious blocks, what fears do you have about yourself or limiting beliefs you have about men, and at the end of each chapter is a little tapping script to help you clear that. And then I get into this masculine feminine thing because that supersedes if you will, the subconscious blocks that might be preventing you from seeing the guys. This is more like when you're starting to date, you're starting to see guys, they're starting to show up. It's very, very challenging topic, I guess, because people sometimes get their hackles up about it. So I just want to say the caveat that I consider myself a feminist. I was a women's studies minor in college. This is not an anti feminist talk, okay. But what it is, is it's identifying, first of all, what is feminine energy versus masculine energy? And then how can we move more into our feminine energy in the context of a heterosexual relationship? Because I think it's very important, actually. feminine energy is that Yin energy, it is that receptivity flow, just going with it. It's a lot about nature, creativity, just nurturing oneself, all of that kind of stuff, that's feminine energy. masculine energy, on the other hand, is known as yawn energy. And that is the GO GO GO DO DO do be productive, build, make all that kind of stuff. As most people can identify just listed each of those differences. masculine energy is the one that is most valued in our society. We all know this. It is also most rewarded in our society. I think that What has become a bit of a problem for the modern day woman, if you will, is that we have to operate in our masculine much of the time just in life for work for parenting. For households, keeping the house together, we're go go go a lot, what has happened, I think is a lot of women then take that masculine energy also into their intimate relationship, or into the bedroom, it's like, go, go, go, let's just have sex and be done. Or let's just, or I've got to be in control of this, like, the date is going to be here, it's, you know, we're going to do this, we're going to do that, and then we're going to come home. What happens is, is a lot of men, good man, I'm gonna say, really want to be the man for their woman. And I always say like, they want to be a hero, they want to be your hero, right? If you're always the one in charge, and always in control, then you don't really give them any space to be that there's no room for them to step up, and to treat you and to give to you and for you to receive the inner feminine receptivity. If you're occupying all the masculine energy,

Speaker 1  21:12  
yeah, it makes sense. It many women sometimes are a little reticent to give up that control. Yes, but there's got to be some compromise here. In relationships in marriage, too. There's just got to be a balance, I get what you're saying here.

Speaker 2  21:29  
I think that that really is what it is, actually, is that women are afraid to give up control. Because so many women, especially by midlife, we've just gotten used to it. We've gotten used to juggling all the balls in the air all the time, the idea of holding some of those down and just like leaning back and allowing our man to do whatever it is he's going to do, it can bring up a lot of fear. I think there's two main fears. One is just the discomfort of letting go of that control and not being in charge. And the other fear sometimes is, what will he do? Will he step up? Won't he and especially if you're in a struggling marriage, or you're questioning your relationship, you might feel oh, my God, what if I lean back and allow him to step up. And he doesn't, does that then mean I have to leave my husband, it can really produce a lot of fear. And that's where I encourage people to go ahead and do tapping on that. And, by the way, I should have mentioned tapping is made to be a self help tool. Anybody can tap on themselves at any time. Once you learn, it's pretty easy to learn. That's where you can like tap on that fear and then just see if you can let go of the fears of not being in control. Can you then give your man some space to step up and be masculine and men have to be in their feminine sometimes women have to be in their masculine sometimes we know this. But it's really I think, a win win. When a woman can really just leave back, relax, allow, see what happens, especially especially in the bedroom. When if you're so preoccupied with, what does he want? When is he going to finish? You're not having any fun? No. And men can sense that. And then they're like, Oh, she just wants me to finish. A lot of times, it makes them anxious, and they can't, that is a problem. Nobody's having fun in that case. But if you can just be in your feminine and just receive and let him give him a massage for an hour if he wants to don't 20 minutes and start thinking oh, I know that I'm gonna have to pay him back or next or whatever. You don't have to just receive and allow and relax into it and see how that goes. That's being in your feminine.

Speaker 1  23:34  
It's really go with the flow. Yeah, just see where things go. I love it. Right. You talk about a trip to Disney. That was pivotal for you. You have a chapter titled, Cinderella fucked me up, which is cracked me up. I really want to talk about being a queen versus a princess and why it's important in this process.

Speaker 2  24:00  
That chapter is all about how I was raised to believe that my role in dating was to be chosen. It didn't occur to me that I would also be the one doing the choosing. And that sounds silly when I say it out loud now, but it really didn't. I just thought, Okay, I'm supposed to show up on these dates and be cute enough and pretty enough and funny and smart and all the things so that hopefully he'll choose me. And then later a few days down the road, I might start to think about Oh, am I choosing him back. But it really was not how I went into first dates. I realize, oh, that's somewhat from this Cinderella idea of the princess at the top of the stairs and all the girls are like fighting each other to get his attention and his idea that there's a scarcity of men there a scarce resource and we women have to fight each other and compete with each other for it. Now that I've done a lot of tapping on some of those limited beliefs. I think that's just all bubkis It's not a thing. There's a lid for every pot, and you only need one guy anyway. There's no point in having to compete against other women effects other women can help you date more like a goddess because we can support each other. One of the ways that I think is really important in midlife to do that is to start to embody and identify with the queen vibe. Because when we are younger dating, we probably were dating from a little bit of a princessy place. And so the difference between the two princesses tend to be a little more fun, maybe a little more silly, but a little bit more like, Pick Me Pick Me,

Unknown Speaker  25:35  
right just

Speaker 2  25:36  
hoping to be picked. And sometimes they can be a little bratty. And sometimes they can be a little self absorbed. Where is a queen? If you think about queenly energy, it's much more regal, it's much more generous, it queen is generous to her people, if you will, it is much more boundaried. And it's very clear Queens tend to be clear, they receive. They receive adoration, they receive worship, but they also give the Neverland they're very benevolent. That's the energetic space that if you are truly looking for King to call in a king, that is the energetic space that you need to be in, okay to call him in.

Unknown Speaker  26:20  
Got it? Yeah.

Speaker 2  26:22  
Otherwise, if you're out there acting like a princess, you're gonna attract in princes, which is fine, but Prince is probably not going to be wanting to commit, probably not going to be wanting to step up and be your hero as much. You know, that kind of thing. The Queen energy I think is really key and really important. When you're dating at midlife, or even if you have some younger listeners who are dating and and thinking about more serious relationship, I think it's a really important person perspective.

Speaker 1  26:50  
I'm on board. You talk about the new naked and having body confidence and why that is so important. I know in midlife, our bodies have changed, and things have shifted a little bit. How do we get out of our own heads in regard to our bodies?

Speaker 2  27:10  
Well, I think the number one thing that is really important to start to practice when it comes to like intimacy, and yeah, new naked is a term that my girlfriend actually coined, who's a psychologist. But it's this idea that okay, I've just left this 1517 20 year marriage, and now I have to be naked around someone new again. Are you kidding me? Because most of our bodies have changed quite a bit in that span of time. Oh, yeah. It brings up a lot of fear. And it brings up a lot of vulnerability, the idea of getting out of your head and getting into your body becomes very, very important. That goes along with everything we've been talking about so far. Because if you're in your body, and you're feeling the feelings, meaning you feel his hand running up and down your arm, like you're literally just tuned into that. It's a practice known as mindfulness, a lot of people have probably heard of that. And it is all about being in the moment, moment to moment, and not thinking. So most of the time when we're in our heads, or we're thinking, we are either thinking about the past, or we're thinking about the future, we are not present in the moment, there is no more important time to be present, than when you are physically intimate with someone. Mindfulness can become a really helpful practice just in life in general. But if you practice it outside of the bedroom, it becomes easier inside the bedroom. Of course, the way to do it is basically just like you do meditation, probably a lot of your listeners have heard of the idea with meditation, you focus on your breath. When a thought comes in, you notice it, you let it go and you bring your attention back to your breath. The practice that I talked about in the book, in terms of new naked is when you have the thought and you will have the thought I wonder if he likes my body. I wonder if it looks that I wonder if this looks bad. I wonder if that lighting is bad, whatever it is, okay, we will have those thoughts. Don't try to force them away because that's like I told you right now, don't think of a pink elephant. Of course, you're gonna think of a pink elephant, right? You'll notice the thought but then bring it back to the present to something to anchor you into your body. It can be the feel of your partner in any way shape, or form or it can simply be the feel of your seat in the chair, your feet on the ground. If you're laying on a bed, your back against the pillow or the cushions, anything to just bring you back into your body back into physical sensation that gets you out of your head. And honestly, I think it's very sad how many midlife women seem to think that the guys they're with are going to want to be with someone younger. I've heard younger, cuter tighter body If they want, know if they're on a date with you, and it's gotten that far, no, no, they want you. That's why they're there.

Speaker 1  30:07  
I think that's a great message. Yeah, that's a great message. Because first of all, if you're worried about how you look, you're not going to enjoy the act at all. Absolutely. He's not going to feel that you're really super engaged. Yes, so much of what you've written in your book. And I really enjoyed it. By the way. A lot of it applies to women in relationships, too, or married. Yeah, because we all could probably use to get in our queen mode. And also think about our feminine energies. I mean, I think this is really great advice for all women to really think about how this could possibly enhance your relationship. That was just a sidebar thought,

Speaker 2  30:56  
yeah, thank you. I mean, I honestly when I wrote it, I didn't write it for married people. But I had married friends read it right away. And they told me that a lot of them pointed to the masculine feminine energy chapter, the goddess in the bedroom chapter. And they were like, that was really helpful. And it sort of helped shift things between me and my spouse. And I was like, Oh, that's cool. I didn't think about it that way. But I think it's great that yeah, can offer that too,

Speaker 1  31:19  
I think to the other thing that we get in our head is how to recover from a dating heartbreak. So you really liked a guy and you never heard from him again? How do you recover from those heartbreaks, and get back on the horse again, that is where

Speaker 2  31:37  
I feel like the EFT stuff, it's just so critical. I love affirmations I'm super down with like law of assumption where what you assume about your life is what comes true. A lot of people talk about law of assumption Law of Attraction nowadays, but to me being a therapist originally, it's just good old fashioned self fulfilling prophecy. What we do believe about our life tends to come true. If you can start to rehearse new thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a very popular technique, rehearse new thoughts, and start to think new thoughts, you can start to slowly change over time. However slow is the key word in that sentence, in my opinion. And the reason it is slow is because if we are emotionally stuck on something, we can say, affirmations, 1000 trillion times a day, and we are not going to change how we view the situation. The analogy I make is, it's like, if you have a closet full of emotional gunk, you might have a treasure chest full of gold in the bottom of that closet. But until you get the junk out, you're not going to see it, feel it experience it. To me, it's very, very important to have a tool tap is not the only one. It's personally my favorite. But there's other ones out there but to have some kind of tool for emotional release. Unfortunately, you do you actually have to feel the emotion to get past it to get through it. Nobody wants to do that. We just want to skip to the good stuff. Yeah. And so that becomes I think, really pivotal in if you're stuck and you're not able to change. I think that that's probably what it is, is you really haven't allowed yourself to deeply feel and release the feelings. Nobody wants to sit there in their tremendous heartbreak. Nobody wants to it doesn't feel good. However, there's no other way around it. Except through it. Unfortunately, if you do the tapping while you sit in the pain, it releases much faster. I always tell my clients like every emotion is like an ocean wave. It comes it builds a crest, but it does go down it will fade every emotion. There's not one emotion that lasts forever, right? It doesn't. It might feel like something's lasting forever, because it's been very prolonged. But it will pass this too shall pass. But if you had a tool that helped make the ocean wave not go so big and not last so long and fade away quicker. Wouldn't you want to do that? Right. And that's where the EFT tapping can really be super helpful. In starting to clear out the stuff, the emotional gunk,

Speaker 1  34:14  
what you're saying is we got to do some work on the front end. Yeah, absolutely. And get in the right space to be able to be successful in dating. It's a great message. It really is.

Speaker 2  34:26  
Can I say one caveat to that though, because I do think there's a lot of messaging out there that says, You have to love yourself first, then you can attract in love. And I think I said in the book at some point like if one more person told me that I was going to punch them in the face because I got really frustrated with that message when I was in my deepest dating struggles. I actually don't think that's necessarily true. What I feel is that some of your deepest healing of your deepest childhood wounds and really big trigger points can come actually from your most intimate relationship, which, for most of us, is our romantic relationship, I don't think you have to have your act completely together to attract in love. But what I do think is that you have to be doing the work on the path to do the work. And every time you level yourself up, you're going to attract in a more leveled up partner. And so if you really want a partner who is going to have self awareness, and be open to growth and change, then you have to have self awareness, and be open to growth and change. That I think is the important message. There is no sort of full self love destination that anybody can get to. I remember watching Louise Hay, sort of the goddess of self help, she sort of invented the whole self help books and all that in the 70s. She learned tapping at 79 years of age, and she can the interviewer said, Oh, this is so great. I'm gonna use it on all my issues. And I thought, oh, my gosh, she still has issues at 17. We are all doomed. But then it actually was a wake up call for me because I realized, no, we're not all doomed. We're all on the journey. The whole time. Yeah, up until the end, we are on the journey. There is no destination. There's no, perfect, I'm all fully healed. Now. That's not a thing. But what is the thing is that we're actually already good enough. And we're actually already whole, we just have all this subconscious programming that tells us otherwise. It's just not true. Once we start to clear all those false beliefs away, we can feel more and more whole, we attract in a partner who also feels and represents and shows up as more and more whole.

Speaker 1  36:46  
Well, as one of the final questions I was gonna ask you, what would you want every woman who's in midlife to now and I think you just answered it. It's a very important point. Yeah. As we wrap things up, I want to know what's next for you?

Speaker 2  37:01  
That's an interesting question. Because it's funny, I actually had another book, in my mind and in my heart, originally. And then I had this idea as well. And I thought that this one felt a little easier for me to write. This one's pretty deeply personal, as you know, because you read it, I share a lot of very personal stories. Yeah, but the next one is even more personal. I wrote this one first. But right away, my editor said, Oh, you're going to write more books. I do feel I am going to write more books. For right now though, I have pivoted my EFT practice to specifically working with midlife women who are dating to help them exactly with this work of clearing these blocks. And I'm just really passionate about it. And I love helping women and I love stories. Like I just had one last week of a client who was in my eight week program and halfway through, she was saying, I'm not getting any guys. Nobody's chatting with me. Nothing's happening. Nothing's showing up. And then the next week, she showed up and she said, Okay, I have two dates. And so many guys, I can't keep track of who's who. I had stories like that happen several times now, where when you start doing the work, at some point, it just a switch gets flipped. And you become magnetic, you become literally magnetic to people that you might have been around you all the time and just never saw you or you never saw them. And suddenly, that reticular activating system has shifted, and everything shifts in your world. It's really exciting. You're making

Speaker 1  38:28  
yourself available emotionally. Exactly is what it is. That's so cool. Yeah. I would love for you to tell the listeners where they can find you and your book.

Speaker 2  38:39  
Okay, so they can go to learn to date like a goddess.com. If they go there actually right now I have a free download available for your podcast listeners so they can download the whole book for free if they'd like to. I know some people will like the paperback and that's available on Amazon. You can also find me at Alison Jane goddess Meeker on Instagram, Tik Tok all those good things. And Allison is with two L's and Jays with a wife, Allison Jane goddess maker.

Unknown Speaker  39:09  
I will put all that in the show notes. Alison, thank you so much for being here. This was a lot of fun.

Unknown Speaker  39:15  
Thanks for having me. It was great.

Speaker 1  39:24  
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