Ep.109 Transforming Pain into Purpose: Embracing Gratitude and Growth After Loss with Maura Mitchell

Life is precious, and when we are thrown into the depths of despair after the loss of a loved one, you may never feel like you get to the other side, where every day doesn't make you wonder when the grip of sorrow will release its hold. Slowly, we gain the strength to begin to piece together what is to be. 

There is a saying, "Sometimes what breaks us recreates us." How do you find the strength to move forward after an unimaginable loss? Our guest, Maura Mitchell, opens up about her journey through grief following the sudden death of her husband, Duncan, during a bike ride.  Listen as Maura shares her story, highlighting the resilience needed to endure life's toughest challenges.

Discover the transformative power of gratitude and mindfulness in this touching episode. Maura talks about the tools that have helped her—like gratitude journals and meditation—while reflecting on the profound influence of loved ones in finding joy in life's small moments. From the practice of habit stacking to the complexities of aging and finding purpose later in life, this conversation sheds light on how personal loss can shape professional relationships and approaches.

Finally, we explore the intersection of self-care and business growth. Mara shares insights on working with women entrepreneurs, particularly those from under-resourced backgrounds, and the crucial role of accountability and goal-setting. We delve into practical tips for capturing spontaneous ideas and using social media for positive messages, emphasizing the importance of physical activity for mental clarity. Get inspired by Maura’s ongoing journey of healing and learn about her impactful work in the Chicagoland area. Follow her on Instagram at Sublime 60s and LinkedIn to stay connected.

Maura holds a Juris Doctorate and an MBA and is a Managing Director of Entrepreneurial Services at the Women's Business Development Center. She strategizes as a member of the Board of Directors for her family-owned manufacturing business.

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Transcript

Michele Folan: 0:00

Alrighty, tell me if this sounds vaguely familiar. You've been trying to lose body fat, but getting frustrated. You're tired all the time, lack energy and are maybe sleeping poorly. You've tried the restrictive, fad diets and crazy cardio, only to gain back the weight and then some. You want to focus on your health and gain muscle to make your coming years the best they can be, and you're really motivated to transform your body and have sustainable results. So everyone this was me to a T. So I did my research. I looked at all the coaching plans out there and knew I wanted one that combined both fitness and nutrition, was macro-based and had an app to keep me on track. Faster Way had all of this and more. And, best of all, it is a perfect match for women in midlife. I'd love to tell you more and see if I'd be a good match for you as your coach. My contact info is in the show notes of this episode. And now on to the show Health, wellness, fitness and everything in between. We're removing the taboo from what really matters in midlife. I'm your host, Michele Folan, and this is Asking for a Friend. Life is precious, and when we are thrown into the depths of despair after the loss of a loved one, you may never feel like you get to the other side, where every day doesn't make you wonder when the grip of sorrow will release its hold. Slowly, we gain our strength to begin to piece together what is to be. There is a saying that sometimes what breaks us recreates us. I introduce you to our guest today, Mau ra Mitchell. With decades of experience advising entrepreneurs, running her own businesses and practicing law, M aura knows that clarity, curiosity and courage are vital to overcoming challenges and finding success, especially when dealing with loss. Maura holds a Juris Doctorate and an MBA. Is a Managing Director of Entrepreneurial Services at the Women's Business Development Center and strategizes as a member of the Board of Directors for her family-owned manufacturing business. Welcome to Asking for a Friend, Maura Mitchell.

Maura Mitchell: 2:36

Thank you so much. It's a pleasure to be here and I'm hoping that I can say one thing that inspires someone going through this time of their Michelle.

Michele Folan: 2:48

Yeah, and I think we need to define loss too, and we'll get into that a little bit. But I may not even be loss of a loved one. It could be a loss of some other magnitude in someone's life and I think that you know the recovery process for all of those types of losses can be very similar. But I want to back up a little bit. Maura, I said just a little bit about who you are, but I wonder if you could fill in the gaps a little bit about where you're from and any other family details.

Maura Mitchell: 3:19

Sure, I'm from Brookfield, Wisconsin, but right now I live right outside Chicago, Illinois. I am the eldest of seven children and that is an important point because that has been my community. My five sisters and one brother have gathered around me during this time. I have three adult children. That have been amazing too. One is 30 and engaged to be married just got engaged yeah, very exciting. One is 27 and one is 24 and she's actually moving home today. She just got accepted into medical school in Illinois, so she is going to come home and not live from home but be here for the summer and then figure out where she's going to live to go to school.

Michele Folan: 4:04

Fantastic. That is so exciting. Well, congratulations, you've got some really great things going on in your life right now. So I'm assuming you come from a family of seven kids. You're Catholic.

Maura Mitchell: 4:22

Yes, irish.

Michele Folan: 4:22

Catholic yeah, I am too. But yeah, yeah, and I can tell you're from Wisconsin because you still have your lovely, your lovely Wisconsin accent going too. So, Maura, you've had really a tremendous career and a lot of giving back with the career you've had and a lot of giving back with the career you've had. Great family, we hear, yes, friends. And then last year the rug got pulled out from under you. You lost your husband, D uncan. Can you share what happened?

Maura Mitchell: 4:57

Yes, so he had been having some atrial fibrillation issues and have been going to a cardiologist and getting checked. They found that he needed to be on. He went on beta blockers. That helped his atrial fibrillation and he seemed to be adjusting to the medication. He had his heart screened so he didn't have any blockages. No reason to think about a heart attack.

Maura Mitchell: 5:32

So the two of us were really active. He was a runner and a biker. He started to slow down when the atrial fibrillation started. It impacted his. He got tired a lot more and he was slower, but then, after getting on the medicine, he felt much better. So we rode bikes and ran. He didn't run as much after being diagnosed but we rode bikes all the time.

Maura Mitchell: 6:03

And on September 3rd we did a ride in Chicago called Bike the Drive and it's Lakeshore Drive that gets shut down and everyone can ride their bikes on Lakeshore Drive. Oh nice. So, yeah, we stayed at my son's house, who lives in the city, and got up early and got to the Bike the Drive and on the way he commented on what a beautiful morning it was and we rode the bikes and he just was going too fast. He was really competitive and he thought he was going to race through this, but it was a leisurely biking experience and I just said please slow down, duncan, let's just enjoy this ride, because it's the Lakeshore Drive is gorgeous if you haven't ever been.

Maura Mitchell: 6:45

And so he pulled up in front of me and all of a sudden he tipped over and I couldn't figure out if he had hit someone or hit a rock. So I came up to him and he was not breathing. Well, he was breathing, but it was some like false breathing, I guess they call it, and I tried to turn him over. I couldn't. But we were so blessed that day. There were angels everywhere because it was a big event. There were doctors on bikes, so the doctors got off the bikes. There must've been six doctors performing CPR on him.

Maura Mitchell: 7:26

And Lakeshore Drive is really close. Where he fell is really close to Northwestern Memorial Hospital, which is one of the best hospitals in the world, especially for cardiac emergencies. They kept him going, but he didn't have a heartbeat for a while. They kept it going, got it going again and then the ambulance came and I think I lost him then. So then he got to the hospital and stayed on machines for two days and we had to make a decision to take him off the machines, and so my kids and I decided, after one more bad test result, that it was time he was on a heart and lung machine.

Maura Mitchell: 8:18

So if you just turn that off, he was going to pass away. So he died on September 5th 2023. Yeah, and it was traumatic.

Michele Folan: 8:30

Okay, first of all, as I'm tearing up here, I can't even imagine, first of all, your bravery and coming on my podcast and sharing that because it's still very fresh. I can't even sharing that because it's still very fresh. Yes, I can't even begin to imagine how hard it was to make that decision, but it was a loving decision to let him go. Do you even remember those first few days?

Maura Mitchell: 8:56

Yeah, I can see the accident. That is stuck in my brain forever, I believe those next few weeks. It was very strange. I think it hadn't hit me. Everyone was visiting, there was a lot of activity, we had to do all this planning, so I think I was operating like a robot, just in automatic control. I cried a little bit, but nothing like I thought I would, and then I spoke at the funeral. I had enough energy to do that and I said I have to do that. Yeah, we had the wake and hundreds of people came because he was 60 years old when it happened, so he was younger. We have a lot of friends and he did a lot of extracurricular activities, so he had a lot of friends from his soccer and his poetry reading, things like that, yeah. So I don't remember. I mean, it wasn't real life to me, it was like a. It was God's grace, I think.

Michele Folan: 9:57

Yeah, you go into, just like auto drive and you just go through the motions. Auto drive and you just go, go through the motions. At what point, like how long did it take you, mara, to like pick your head up and start to say, okay, I, I need to get my life back to some semblance of normal?

Maura Mitchell: 10:21

So I'm lucky. I had a full-time job and I, you know, had a month off to think about things. I knew I had to keep working because I don't know what I would have done here alone. My children are grown, as I said, and they're not living with me. So I used that month after the funeral I had two weeks after the funeral to really take time and I kind of put my personal care on overdrive. I started meditating more and really just took care of myself. Not to say it was easy. I have days where I sit all day long and cry. That's happening less frequently now, at eight months out, but it used to happen on Saturdays. I would get up and hear a song or see his clothing in the closet and it would just strike me and I would cry the rest of the day.

Michele Folan: 11:26

Yeah, and you weren't working on Saturdays and your mind, you get too much time to think on those days. Yes, you said that your self-care went into overdrive. I kind of want to dig into that a little bit because I think that might be something that might be a tip for someone going through this. Yeah, how did you approach that?

Maura Mitchell: 11:54

So I did have a therapist before this, thank God, and she had really gotten me into meditation. She said start with watching a candle flicker. You know the flame on a candle flicker. So I did that. I have been doing that for a long time but I still, you know, had the mind tons of words passing through my mind at one time run on. So it took me till I took this course called Light Walk by Light Watkins. Watkins called 10 Minute Meditation and that was 10 minutes of meditation in total silence and I just found that I could get a Zen feeling for maybe 30 seconds of that 10 minutes. But if I held onto that 30 seconds I could feel good for a morning.

Maura Mitchell: 12:46

So I use meditation quite often. I use a gratitude journal. Every day I write down three things that I'm grateful for. I also have this app called One Second Every Day and it is just taking photos every day, taking a photo of something that's beautiful in your life. So a lot of it is flowers for me. So I take a photo and I save it in this app called One Second Every Day, so then you can see what you've gathered over the month. Oh, that's nice, yeah. So I found little tools that I use that bring me joy, because life really is beautiful, and my husband taught me that I knew it. As a child, my dad was really into watching birds and he would always say what a beautiful day it was, but then I married someone who said it and told me how blessed he was every day, so he taught me how to get in this mind frame. I was more of a control freak, so I had to rely on his memory and what he would do every day.

Michele Folan: 13:48

Yeah, the meditation piece too. I have to address that first before it leaves my mind. So many guests come on the show and we talk about meditation and how hard it is, particularly if you are a little bit of control freak and your brain never shuts off. Being able to do that even just for 10 minutes is a real challenge. So I like that idea of the flickering candle. So thank you for that. Sure, because I need to start a meditation practice. And I've been putting it off because I know I can barely get through a whole prayer. Thinking about buying milk at the grocery store, I mean it's so bad, it's so bad. Your husband taught you to appreciate the little things. Yeah, yeah, the little things?

Maura Mitchell: 14:37

Yeah, yeah we would. We would go on walks and our favorite, well, insect was a is a Monarch butterfly, so we would go around the block. Here there's a person that, uh, has kind of a field in their front yard and the Monarch butterflies would come, so we would walk over there quite often with our dog, and so just those little things that you don't think of. And now they've. They hit me more often.

Michele Folan: 15:04

Yeah, it's a great life lesson, I think, for all of us to appreciate something as simple as as a butterfly or a walk with your dog. We have some gratitude for that. The gratitude journal I hear more and more people doing the gratitude journal, and even some of the guests on my show I've also spoken of every morning. That is their one thing that they do and any tips on how to develop a good gratitude practice.

Maura Mitchell: 15:40

So my morning has gotten really slow. Now I don't rush to work like I used to, and I do a few things in the morning, and now they've become habits. So one is to meditate for 10 minutes, one is to play scattergory, so I do a puzzle, I text my children and I do my gratitude journal and I write down three simple things. It could just be I am loved, I have a house and the sun is out today. Yeah, so three simple things. And so I think it's called habit stacking, where you start doing something on top of something, another habit, and then it can become habit.

Michele Folan: 16:25

That's great, and I have to point this out, though, because if I look back at your Instagram and I've been following you for quite a while you've always had a very positive outlook in your Instagram, even before Duncan passed away. I think maybe the big thing for you is to get back to that.

Maura Mitchell: 16:48

Yes, it is.

Michele Folan: 16:51

Is to get back to being that person that was trying to motivate others to think a little differently about their life for their day.

Maura Mitchell: 17:01

Yeah, and originally it was around aging, because I hit 60 and I was not excited about hitting 60. But really, if you look at it, we have another day, we have another opportunity. I have this quote that a client said to me. It's by Confucius and it's we have two lives, and the second one begins when we realize we only have one. So it's just, that's beautiful. There's a. You know, we, I think, at 60, I had an awakening, you don't, we don't, who knows when it's going to happen. And then that happened. Then it happened to me. I lost my husband, but I don't know, hitting 60 really was monumental.

Michele Folan: 17:45

Interesting and I try to look at it this way too is I still have a third maybe you know of of my life to live, and more than ever I have the ability to determine what I want that to look like. Less so in my first 30, because a lot of that was dictated by things I couldn't control. And then the next 30 were my kids, and now it's in my job, and now I think I get to, I don't know, call the shots maybe a little bit more. Um and I again, I think that's a gift that we have.

Maura Mitchell: 18:27

Yeah, I think it is. I feel freer than ever and I mean I could I have a job that I could do until I'm 70, but because I can also do other things on the side with it, I'm excited, and I'm excited after 70. I don't. I don't. Duncan and I never talked about retirement, so that was one good thing. We never had a plan for what was going to happen when we both quit our jobs. He was in a really exciting job. He had just gotten, like a year ago, a year before this happened, and I really enjoy my job. So I think that helps. And then you know, to have a few side interests helps also.

Michele Folan: 19:12

Yeah, and I think staying fit too, yes, yes, that's the other piece, cause you don't, you don't feel there's this end in sight. When you're, when you feel really good in the morning, you're like I can keep going for a while. Yes, with having gone through this heartbreaking experience, how has it changed your approach to working with your clients now? Has there been any change in how you approach them? Yes, definitely.

Maura Mitchell: 19:43

In fact, last week I had a client and she was stuck in her business. She's a solopreneur and she had goals set for herself and she wasn't attaining her goals. But she said, M maura, even besides this, I feel like I shouldn't be doing this work. I'm so wrapped up in it, I'm so worried about it, I'm not myself. And I said, well, what have you done to take care of yourself? So now I introduce questions around personal care. And she said I don't do anything.

Maura Mitchell: 20:14

And so she said I'm going to take get a homework assignment, take a homework assignment from you and do something that gives me joy for one hour a day for the next week. And she's checking in with me today actually to see how her first week of doing something joyful every day works. So I think you know when you're exercising and you get that adrenaline rush, you can kind of forget about your problems or your challenges. And sometimes, clarity. I know when I'm out walking the dog, that's when something pops into my head that I've been searching for for days, and so I think maybe by focusing on joyful things she said her grandchildren brought her joy, that you know the business stuff will come to her and something I think she'll get some clarity around what she should do to move forward with her business.

Michele Folan: 21:06

Well, I think it's a good message too, Mau mara is that our business life and our personal life intersect. They're not separate. Right, exactly, yeah, and that's the person we're bringing into the business every day, and if you're not prioritizing yourself, you're not really probably doing well for anybody.

Maura Mitchell: 21:27

And, like you said, everyone's experienced some sort of loss, so if I can reach my client and talk about their loss, it really becomes a good session.

Michele Folan: 21:37

So, when you are working with clients, give me an idea of who your clients exactly are.

Maura Mitchell: 21:44

So we target women business owners and we target low income and under resourced women. But we have free services so anyone can take advantage of our free services. I do work for a nonprofit called the Women's Business Development Center and they can. Anyone can come in, so I will help anyone who's starting a business or scaling a business and just has questions. So some days I'm helping people that you know have an idea and they want to take it to market. Another day I will have someone come in and say I'm stuck and I want to scale my business. So I help all different people people developing apps and people that are selling skincare. So it's interesting because I am learning every day. I don't know anything about a lot of these industries, but I know how to help people market research and get started.

Michele Folan: 22:42

Oh, that's neat. I like that, yeah, yeah, and you get to work with women, yes. So what's not to like about that?

Maura Mitchell: 22:49

Yeah, and I hope they feel better after we work together. I usually I am an accountability partner, so we set goals and then they come back to me to talk more about their goals.

Michele Folan: 23:00

Very nice. So you do post a lot of uplifting messages and quotes.

Maura Mitchell: 23:10

We talked a little bit about that on Instagram. Where do you see this going for you? That's a good question. That's what I'm trying to determine. I did just join a group called Recognized Experts. It's sponsored by Dori Clark. She is an author of the book called Stand Out, and she talks about finding your breakthrough idea, so one that gives you, fulfills you and honors your passion, but also serves others. So I'm thinking that this, may you know my my pain may be turned into my passion, and if I can help anyone going through something like this because it is devastating if I can help someone with one word, you know, one piece of advice, I would love to do that. So I just have to figure out if I stay at my job and just introduce it that way, or if I, you know, I'm thinking maybe if I could do some speaking engagements or write a book. We'll see. I've just started on this pathway.

Michele Folan: 24:23

I've really enjoyed the Recognize Experts program, though, because a number of those people have written books and they've written for you know, like the Harvard Business Review, on certain ideas that they've had. Well, you can do both. Yes, you can Listen to me. You get time, you get, continue your, because I, I what I see. There are a lot of women's groups out there that always want speakers to come in and talk about their experiences and how they've been able to heal and move forward and self-care, what that means to them, and I see where you can package this all very nicely.

Maura Mitchell: 24:58

Here I'm giving you advice, but I should be asking you advice?

Michele Folan: 25:03

Are you available for mentorship? Actually, I'm the one that needs help because I'm trying to build a business too, but we can talk about that offline. Oh gosh, so you're, and you're also a great role model for staying fit and staying active. I don't see you slowing down anytime soon. Have you always been really active and played sports? I have.

Maura Mitchell: 25:34

I found that running really brought me joy and cleared my mind, just like meditation. It's a lot worse on my body. I still do run. I do need to run. I run just one day a week, about three miles, but that feeling afterwards helps me through the week. I played sports as a child and I've been running since 18 years old Not very much, just enough to get the runners high. I haven't done any marathons or anything. I've done a bunch of 5Ks. Oh, and I did triathlons at age 50. That was my age 50 breakthrough.

Michele Folan: 26:13

You're insane.

Maura Mitchell: 26:14

Yeah, I don't know if I could do one now. Oh, I thought I could, but yeah, anyone that does a triathlon.

Michele Folan: 26:26

My husband, he used to do Ironman. It was before I knew him, but yeah.

Maura Mitchell: 26:31

That's amazing. Not in a million years would you catch me swimming in a lake where I can't see in front of me, but you're very active too?

Michele Folan: 26:39

Well, I am, but not like that. I don't play pickleball and do all those competitive things. I just do my own thing because that's my self-care. My self-care is the long three-mile walk in total quiet. Sometimes I listen to podcasts, but sometimes I just turn everything off. I got a great tip from a previous guest and she walks every day. This is part of her self-care routine and when she goes walking she carries a little tiny pad of paper and a pencil. And you know how you say you get good ideas when you're out walking writing those down, having some people have a tablet next to their bed so when they wake up at three in the morning they can start writing ideas, but she does it when she's out walking.

Maura Mitchell: 27:28

Oh, I like that Cause, that's. That's when it happens. I'm out walking and I'll think Ooh, I, like you know, I've had to find a quote regarding this, or you know. I want to write a little bit more about this.

Michele Folan: 27:41

Yeah, yeah. So, and I was going to ask you what one of your core pillars of self-care is, but I think I know what it is it's your gratitude and your meditation. So I think we covered all of that one already. But is there anything else?

Maura Mitchell: 28:00

My puzzles help. Oh, you know what my friends oh you know what. My friends got together and bought me 18 months of monthly massages Really yes. And I found a massage therapist that is excellent. I don't really like the deep massages, but he can get to a point in my neck or a point in my hamstring and just work it out, and I feel so good afterwards.

Michele Folan: 28:32

Yeah, nothing's better than a good massage. Yeah, I like that. Would you ever date?

Maura Mitchell: 28:37

again. That's interesting, you ask. I just went on, was it Silver Singles? And I don't think I can do it. It's really early. You're not ready yet. It's really early, I think You're not ready. I miss male companionship. I really miss my husband a lot. I miss our discussions. I feel that men can be lighthearted a little bit more often. My sons really help me with that. We have Sunday suppers and they come over and make me laugh a little bit more. My husband made me laugh. I love women, I love empowering women, but I see women all day. I work with women and so to have a male companion would be enjoyable, I think. Maybe a few male companions.

Michele Folan: 29:28

You don't have to come out, it's companionship. Well, a couple of things. First of all, when you're ready, you're ready and you'll know. When you're ready, one of those lovely friends may fix you up with someone that they've met, which is never a bad thing. I've mentioned before on this podcast that I did meet my husband on Matchcom. Oh, you did, I did, I did. And the interesting thing about that, too, was, had, had I not been on match, I would never have met him, because, even though we lived literally 30 seconds from each other, wow, but our paths would never have crossed.

Maura Mitchell: 30:11

So yeah, I am not. No, I think. I mean that's the way I believe I'll meet someone through an app. I just went through and I just could not commit. I couldn't.

Michele Folan: 30:24

Just leave it alone for now, once you get on there, you get into the depths of hell with some of that stuff and it would be like going on to Amazon and typing in black pumps or something. It, just, it, it just. There's just so much inventory out there, so much.

Maura Mitchell: 30:48

And I don't know where to begin. Like you said, I don't know where to begin, so I'm going to wait.

Michele Folan: 30:54

Okay. You're not ready yet how do you work with clients? So I know we talked about your clients a little bit, but how can people find you if they are local to the Chicagoland area?

Maura Mitchell: 31:04

If they are local. We have a website. It is www. bdc. org. Okay.

Michele Folan: 31:14

And then do you work with clients remotely or is it all mostly in person? Most of it is Zoom sessions. Okay, you do. Okay, and then where can listeners find your Instagram account?

Maura Mitchell: 31:25

Yes, it's called Sublime. 60s is my handle and I'm also finding more traction on.

Michele Folan: 31:32

LinkedIn. Okay, and are you Sublime 60s there too? No, just by my name, okay, all right, mara Mitchell, I really appreciate you being on the show today. This was a lot of fun and I wish you the best in your healing and continue to give out there, because you are doing some tremendous work.

Maura Mitchell: 31:52

Thank you so much, Michelle. This was my pleasure and I hope to speak to you again soon. We'll keep in touch. Oh yeah, for sure We'll keep in touch.

Michele Folan: 32:04

Oh, yeah, for sure. Follow Asking for a Friend on social media outlets and provide a review and share this show wherever you get your podcasts, reviews and sharing help us grow.